There are moments in life when what we really want to say gets stuck in our throats. We keep quiet so as not to hurt, because it's unpleasant, because we're afraid of being misunderstood, or because we don't want to seem weak. And so, little by little, distance is created. Not because of big fights, but because of sentences left unsaid. Polite silence can be very lonely. People live together, work together, and have been friends for years and don't really know what each other is going through. Not because they don't care, but because no one taught us how to talk about feelings without blaming or defending ourselves.
Listen to understand, not to win.
To talk about what you feel and to call an emotion by its name is courage. These are seemingly simple words, but they take down our defenses and leave us exposed without masks. And that's only half the story. The other half, and perhaps the more difficult one, is knowing how to listen without preparing an answer while the other person is speaking, without explaining to them why they are wrong, without getting offended and without getting defensive. To listen to understand, not to win. To allow space to express an emotion even if it sounds hesitant or confused. To have an honest conversation. Not a conversation in which everyone agrees, but a conversation in which people feel safe to tell their truth, to talk about themselves and to know that there is someone who sees and hears them. A lot of loneliness in the world does not stem from people being alone, but from people not feeling that they are not truly known, that they do not know what they really feel. Sometimes all a person needs is one person to ask from the heart: "How are you?" and be willing to hear the answer.
When something difficult happens to us, we usually look for a practical solution even if it requires change. At work, in a relationship, in our financial situation, or in any other area. But opening a conversation about an emotion is already complicated, especially for those who think that talking about emotions is not a solution but a waste of time. This is how we were raised: to think and not to speak, because silence is worth gold. to do and not to feel because there is no choice. But it turns out that talking about what we feel has a positive effect on the mind and body and can lead us to understand the necessary change. There is embarrassment in talking about emotions. There is a fear that it will be too much, too dramatic, too heavy. But often it is precisely the conversation that did not take place that makes things really heavy. Strong relationships are not built from the absence of difficulty, but from the fact that we talk even when there is difficulty. We do not shout or accuse, but talk, explain, listen and try to understand the world through the eyes of the other. Perhaps true courage is to sit in front of another person and quietly tell our truth.
The unspoken sentences create the distance.
Many people, more men than women, rarely talk about what is bothering them. Some grew up in a home where they were not used to talking about feelings, some are afraid of appearing weak, and there are feelings like shame or guilt that are simply very difficult to talk about. Sometimes it seems that if we don't talk, it will go away on its own, but it doesn't go away. It stays inside, eroding and exhausting relationships. The effort to pretend that everything is fine sometimes takes a higher price than dealing with the problem itself and leaves the person alone in the face of challenges. The psychologist Carl Gustav Jung He argued that loneliness stems not from a lack of people around you, but from the inability to talk to people about what is meaningful to you. Studies have shown that when you give a name to an emotion, “I’m scared,” “I’m hurt,” “I’m stressed,” its intensity decreases and the person begins to relax. In other words, the mere act of talking changes how we feel.
Not all talk helps. When you repeat the same negative stories over and over again without reaching a new understanding, it keeps the person stuck in the problem and distances the listener from them. Rabbi Nachman of Breslov He said that the essence of speech is the soul, and speaking out loud arouses feeling and movement in all the organs. Therefore, it is important to say what is good, not just what is bad, and to know how to listen to the other side. Galia Says שדוד, her partner, only speaks when he is angry. David, for his part, claims that he doesn't like it when Galia asks him to tell her how he feels about her and he feels that she doesn't understand the pressures he is under. "Why say anything? She won't understand me anyway. I close myself off, think to myself, and after a few hours it goes away on its own." Their story is familiar to many couples. One wants to talk, the other closes down. It's not easy for everyone to talk about feelings, but it's a process that becomes easier with time. Talking about feelings doesn't solve all problems, but it helps us understand ourselves and the other person, to relax, feel less alone, and deal with life in a healthier way.
It is allowed to express emotion. It is not weakness.
Ori He came to me because his wife told him he had to open up, laughing when I told him he could say "I'm hurt," "I'm scared," "It's hard for me," that he was allowed to express emotion, because emotion is not weakness. His laughter betrayed embarrassment. He never talked about what he felt, not even about what was important to him, and his emotional silence affected his body and his relationships. He had a heart attack, suffered from digestive problems, and the woman he loved was threatening to leave him if he didn't start talking to her. "I understand that it's hard for her, but I don't know what she wants. I don't know how to do that. I love her and I'm the most honest, but when it comes to emotions, it's not natural to me. I also understand that silence doesn't solve problems, it just buries them so that they can surface in the next challenge, but I myself don't always know how I feel, so I prefer to remain silent."
Relationship studies show that the biggest problem in relationships is not arguments, but avoiding difficult conversations. You don't have to say everything, but you do have to talk about what you feel and what's important honestly and without hurting the other party. When you don't talk about feelings for a long time, distance is created. Insults turn into silence, disappointment into cynicism, and anger into withdrawal. Distance almost never happens in one day, but from many things not said in time. Keeping emotions inside also causes the body to pay a price in stress, fatigue, digestive problems, higher blood pressure, and a decrease in coping skills. On the other hand, people who talk about their feelings experience less stress, less loneliness, and feel closer to others.
The body pays for what the heart keeps inside.
Talia Says she talks about everything, because her mother's body paid for what her mouth didn't say, she went through a difficult life and died at a young age. The psychologist James Pennebaker, reinforces her approach. He discovered in his research on emotional expression and stress responses that people who write or talk about difficult feelings get sick less, go to the doctor less, have stronger immune systems, and have lower stress levels. They say that half of the speech belongs to the speaker, and the other half to the listener. To speak well you need inspiration, but to listen well you need intelligence. Responses like "There's nothing to be afraid of" or "That's nonsense" don't advance a conversation. Sometimes you don't need advice or a solution, but just a simple sentence: "I understand."
In the play Prometheus Bound, says Aeschylus: "Speech soothes anger." The idea that words allow for the release and softening of emotions accompanied ancient Greece and permeated Christianity through the process of confession, in which a person talks about what hurts them in order to purify themselves and ease suffering. In Judaism, conversation also has a high spiritual valueIn the book of Proverbs Chapter 12 states: "A man's heart is troubled," and the Midrash interprets this as sharing the problem with others, as part of the process of calming down. Modern psychology has also confirmed this and urges talking about what hurts. But not every conversation helps. Do you know those who call and complain about what is happening in their lives? Sometimes you have written "do not answer" next to their name because it seems like they are always in a bad mood and they never ask you how you are. It turns out that when you repeat the same negative stories over and over again without reaching a new understanding, it does not help. Such conversations leave the person in the problem without processing it into a way out. Therefore, it is important to talk about what hurts, about what you feel, and at the same time find what is good, and look for a way to get through it.
"I want to tell you something I feel."
There are quite a few films where the plot revolves around things that were not said in time. Love that was not confessed, forgiveness that was not asked for, truth that was not told, and the characters live with regret. The rest of the day : The Remains of the Day A 1999 film starring Anthony Hopkins and Emma Thurman, about an English servant who dedicates his life to work and dares not confess his feelings to the woman who loves him. Years later, he realizes that he has missed out on life. Lost in translation: Lost in Translation A 2003 Bill Murray film. Two people who meet in Tokyo form a deep bond, but they don't really say what they feel. The film is all about the things that remain between the lines. Before sunset: Before Sunset A 2004 film directed by Richard Linklater, based on his personal experience. It tells the story of two people who once met in Vienna, didn't say what they should have said, and meet again after 9 years in Paris with the question: what would have happened if we had talked about what we felt. In 2024, a Swedish-Belgian co-production drama film was released, directed by Leonardo van Dale, called "Julie Keeps QuietSet at a prestigious tennis academy, the film explores trauma, strength and partnership through the silence of a teenage prodigy after allegations against her coach surface. She dreams of joining the Belgian Tennis Association and, after the suicide of another player, her coach is suspended on suspicion of abuse. The players are asked to testify, Julie refuses to speak, and the pressure of silence erodes her focus and identity.
When you feel the need to say something that seems important to you, don't hold it in. Listen to your feelings even if it's just a burden and a need to vent it, to talk to someone. Make sure the time is convenient for him and try to choose people who know how to listen without judging or giving advice that you didn't ask for. It's important to say what you feel and find not only the bad but also the good. And if you are on the listening side, do it with compassion. With patience. Sometimes it's better to turn to or refer the person to a professional, even if there is no major crisis but simply burden or confusion. And if you are one of the silent ones, remember that talking about feelings creates connection and intimacy. Mental health and emotional closeness can start with one simple sentence: "I want to tell you something that I feel."
Important article. Thanks for sharing the insights.