"I didn't 'become a woman', I was always a woman" | Sheila Weinberg is finally at peace with herself

"It's like putting on the wrong shoe, you can wear it, but it won't fit all the way"

Sheila Weinberg, 63 years old, a teacher and educator for many years in Haifa, began to go through a few years ago, after a tragedy in which she lost her wife to cancer, a significant process in which she began to live her life in the gender with which she identifies, and documented the process in a book of poems that will be published next year.

"Who am I?"

Now Sheila is doing a doctorate in the field of philosophy, which deals with the gender subject: "I naturally deal with the trans narratives, there are all kinds of narratives for trans men or women and one of the dominant ones is that I was born in the wrong body. I definitely think it is so, if I didn't know it, no I would make a change, I don't like the concept of 'I became a woman', I have always been a woman."

"When I looked in the mirror, I asked myself - who am I? I knew I saw a boy, but inside I didn't see a boy, I wanted to see a girl," says Sheila. "This mismatch is called in psychological language gender dysphoria, which means an extreme incompatibility between a person's mental set-up and his physical set-up. This is not someone who says 'I have a long nose' and wants a rhinoplasty, it means that I feel that in my identity I am a girl, but in my body I am a boy. There are different degrees, I guess not everyone has the need to have surgery, I needed surgery."

"Something is not working right in my body"

"At the age of 8 or 9, I felt that something wasn't working right in my body, like a feeling that I was wearing the wrong shoe or the wrong glove. You could wear it, but it wouldn't fit all the way and it would feel uncomfortable. I didn't know what was wrong. My mother died when I was 6 years old and I grew up with two cousins, one of them close to my age and one two or three years younger than me. I remember wanting to be treated like the other cousins." Shiloh says.

"I was marked from birth as a boy. So boys get haircuts, and boys dress differently, and boys don't cry. I remember in the fourth grade, my aunt asked why I wanted to dress up on Purim. We had just screened "Heidi Bat HaHarim" in Afula, I said I wanted to dress up as Heidi, and so was I was dressed up, but the feeling I had was: "Wow! I had so much fun!". I also remember how I left the store and someone said to me: 'What a beautiful girl you are'... and then the evening came and I had to take off the costume and I felt uncomfortable with it...

Over the years I didn't know what was happening to me and it started to bother me more and more. I felt like I wanted to say something and I couldn't, I didn't have the words."

"In the 7th or 1970th grade, a kind of defining moment happened to me," she continues, "my father used to read 'Yediot Ahronoth' and I took the 'XNUMX Days' with me to the bathroom and read. Suddenly I saw an article about four transsexuals in Tel Aviv, who told about life of them. The year was about XNUMX. There was also a picture of them. They looked terrible, like drag who don't know how to do drag, they worked in prostitution and smoked drugs.

"You can't be like them"

Following this, several things happened: one, I knew what to call myself - transsexual. Another thing is that I knew for the first time that I was not alone, and that there are other boys who are girls. I thought to myself that I can't afford to be transsexual, what will I be like them? Will I work in prostitution, smoke drugs? So I left the bathroom and went into the closet, this is the defining moment of my life, this is what it is, you can't be like them, certainly not a good Afula boy like me.

As a student I was very rebellious and I was very active in the working and studying youth, because I entered the closet I tried to prove as much as possible how old I am. There wasn't too much gender division there, but I didn't let people understand who I was. I had some two friends who didn't necessarily know, but understood, it's a pretty lonely feeling. So you find yourself building a very rich inner world, I started to paint, I started to write songs a little, where I published a lot of things, but outwardly I was broadcasting business as usual.

In sixth grade I wrote, for the first time, a suicide note. I didn't do anything about it in the end, but the suicidal thoughts were still with me later.

"If you become a criminal or a murderer - they will understand you, that - no"

After the army, where I served in Gerin Nahal, I lived for a while in Tel Aviv like many good ones, and I started studying at Tel Aviv University, I met someone, I moved to Haifa and we parted ways. So I decided to tell my dad. There was the second defining moment, my father was a wonderful man, he never beat me, but he had a kind of homophobia like people of his generation. We had a very long conversation about life, and one day I told him and he told me, You know, if you are a murderer, or if you are a rapist, if you are a thief and if you are all the scumbags in the world, they will understand you, they may not appreciate or respect you, but they will understand you. Do what you want to do - no one will understand that. My father was a figure that greatly influenced me, and if I thought for a moment about coming out of the closet, then this conversation closed the door on that possibility.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell her before"

That's when I met the person who would later become my wife, in Haifa. She knew, but not right away. If there's one thing I regret to this day, it's that I didn't tell her sooner.

I've always been attracted to women, so it was easy for me to connect with women, and the truth is, unlike the girls or the girls, who didn't die for me, after the army the girls actually liked me, and I started dating whoever would be my wife, we dated for two years, lived together and then got married. We lived in Haifa, and when my daughter was born we moved to Nauf Ha'emek. Both my wife was involved in education and so was I, but not at the same school.

I built a kind of script in my head that if I get married it will pass. that it can be controlled, "If you say enough times that you are a son, live like a son, act like a son - you will be a son. Somehow, it lasted for some time, until we went to Belgium on a mission. That's where the great pressure began on me, I ran the Israeli program, and at the end of the first year I told her .

"I knew I would lose my family"

We continued to live together. Basically she knew, but I didn't do anything about it, to say she loved it? No, she wanted a man, but as long as I didn't do anything about it, certainly not outwardly, we were fine. I loved her very much and she loved me and this will strengthen the relationship. We had many very good moments, and also many moments of frustration, but we make priorities in life... I knew that if I did what I did now, I would lose my family, I didn't have the courage, it was 1993, it's not like today, the legitimacy is not was as she is now.

"I've never been attracted to men"

What's more, I started to stretch some boundaries, wear scarves, more colorful glasses, I didn't look like the average man, I didn't apply nail polish and I didn't have long hair like I have today... Let's put it this way: I guess many would say I must be gay, which made me laugh, because I've never been attracted to men.

When we returned to Israel, I went to a support group in Tel Aviv, for trans men and women, I started writing songs on the subject, five of the songs were published. I told myself this would be my freedom.

In July 2015, my wife was diagnosed with metastatic liver cancer, for two years and a month she fought and of course I was by her side. In September 2017 she passed away. I was in such a state of repression... I was always sure that I would die first, that one day I would end my life before her. Also in those two years we went to Mexico for doctors, we were in contact with doctors in the United States, we tried to do everything possible, I lived in denial about the possibility that she would die one day. We did home hospice and she died at home. To me it was like the Titanic hitting an iceberg. These are the only two years in my life, since I realized I have gender dysmorphia, where it didn't concern me, the only two years it was something that wasn't on my mind.

"Only one advantage: I will be at peace with myself"

As the months passed I realized that I can't continue living the way I lived, if one day I start a new relationship, or if I decide to go out into the world and live, I don't want to live the way I was. It took shape and at the end of April 2018, one evening, I sat with myself at home and I was alone, I said ok, now is the time to decide, I made a kind of Excel table - advantages and disadvantages, and I wrote disadvantages: I will be fired at work, I will not have friends, the children will not be With me... the list was very long. Among the advantages, there was only one advantage: I would be at peace with myself. I looked at the list and told myself that if there is one advantage, I do it. I didn't consult anyone, I don't want words anymore, only actions. The next day I called a very good friend of mine, a trans woman, Amit Zuk, I told her, Amit, I want to come to you. She didn't ask why and understood right away. I came to her and gave me a guideline of what to do.

"What are you waiting for? Life is short"

A colleague told me what I should do, and at the end of May 2018 I was in a meeting at the 'Bnei Zion' hospital in the endocrinology department. The first thing to do is take care of the hormones. At that time I was still teaching of course, I can testify, not modestly, that I have a very high work ethic, so I came back from 'Bnei Zion' and went to the principal, mine was about a different matter altogether, and I told her that I needed to talk to her about something else and I told her. Dafna Yakovovich is a lovely woman to whom I owe a lot. I knew she wouldn't fire me, but there was the possibility that she and I would be bullied, she also knew my late wife very well, and to my great joy she said to me: 'So what are you waiting for? Life is short and I'm with you.'

We started formulating a plan, how do I get out, this is a school not a hi-tech office, you can't send an email and that's it. First of all, some already knew, some of the teachers heard or guessed. We built it in three circles: first of all I told the CEO of Leo Buck, I asked him what would happen if there were parents who would complain, and I would tell them that there are ten other schools in the city and they are welcome to go to them... I wasn't exactly the most anonymous teacher in the school, I was One who walks down the halls like I bought them, I was a prominent figure at school.

What we did was, the day before the end of the school year, I called my education group, about 20 people, and told them that tomorrow, at 8:30 in the morning, we would all meet. And so it was, they came and I told them. I explained to them what gender dysphoria was, they were surprised, and asked questions and wondered what would happen to us now...

"That evening, the whole school already knew"

I answered them that at this stage they would continue to read and talk to me as usual. That evening I also spoke with the parents. At 10 o'clock that evening, the whole school already knew. I had already been in contact with one of the parents a week before, and to my great surprise, except for one parent who told me that he did not think that what I was doing was right, no one stood up and told me that if this was the case, he was not ready for me to educate his children. I told them that I would guide them through the process as they began to see changes, and we would do it together.

The next day, June 20, I told the teachers at school about me, I did it like a Ted talk. I was standing on stage and there was a very large screen behind me with a PowerPoint presentation. I read a poem I wrote called 'Eliyahu's Cave', after which I explained what gender dysphoria is. There was masterful silence and at the end of the presentation, for many minutes, I was applauded and hugged. I must point out that a year before this, exactly on the same stage, I received the outstanding teacher award, it was a practice that once a year each department in Leo Buck chooses one outstanding employee, and I was chosen to be the outstanding teacher that year. A year passes and I inform them that a new teacher is about to join them in the teachers' room.

to be Sheila

From October I slowly started using the name Sheila. In Israel there is a committee for gender adjustment, I went through the whole process relatively quickly, and I came when I was already very mature. In my first or second meeting with the psychologist, she told me that I was already so baked, I just wouldn't burn in the oven. After you finish, you receive the certificate, which you take to the Ministry of the Interior to finish the process of changing the gender. In December I made an official change at the Ministry of the Interior and asked to change my gender to a woman named Shiloh and to register in the feminine language. It was great. After that I did the lower surgery. Here and there people got confused, but very quickly they started to accommodate and hugged.

Very quickly I was accepted into the female teachers' society. I did not encounter a situation of anti or lack of acceptance on their part. I must point out that to that extent it was successful, that a year after I did want to retire early, and the school asked me to stay another year. Back in BA, in my education group we had a year-end meeting, and we also talked about me. They had a hard time last year, and one of the students who was most worried, said that I taught her to accept and to see things not only in black and white, for me it was wow.

I have been educating for 34 years and I have never received such support as in the last two years for my education. Blessings and gifts I received at the end of the 34th... I don't remember in all my XNUMX years of education receiving such compliments.

My children

Basically, the thing I was most worried about was my children, and I must point out that in many ways I was unfair to them, they lost their mother and suddenly whoever is their father comes out of the closet a few months later. I really told them, and I must say that it has been 3 years since then and I really take my hat off to them. I keep their privacy, so I don't talk about them much. I really admire their ability to accept me, and to be in a good relationship with me, it is not taken for granted. On the other hand, with a group of friends who were my friends for 20 years, the connection was cut off, and not on my initiative. At first it was phone calls that dwindled, but somewhere I define it as the life that was there was a kind of fake, so probably in the companies there there was some fake, it wasn't everyone, but a certain group.

Ruthie

Now Sheila is in a loving relationship with her partner Ruthie "I met Ruthie in 2013, and we became friends, she knew my wife, she used to stay here and we stayed at her place. A bond of friendship nothing more than that. After Rachel passed away, a year and a half later this friendly bond turned into a romantic bond .

I really think my situation is good and I wish everyone who comes out of the closet a situation like mine. I didn't leave the house or Tivoon, and when it was Women's Day at Tivoon this year, they invited me. In March 2021, to participate in the project of influential women in Tivon. I am a disease for every trans person to be accepted as I was accepted. And I am necessarily surrounded by good people, in a good relationship and I wish every person to be surrounded like that. It is not obvious when it comes to a person who has come out of the closet.

"initialization"

In 1998 I started writing songs, five of them were published, and over time I started writing and writing and writing, when I decided I was going out, I started writing again and suddenly the tone changed. I am going to soon publish a book by Shopra, called "Athol". The book has two chapters, one talking about my past, and the other another, written in April 2020, after I had already gone through the process. The book is divided into before the departure and after the departure, and between them are the 55 songs. It's all dedicated to the gender process I went through, both the lit and the songs.

"No one chooses it"

I appeal to those publics, there are many women here, who accept them. There is a large proportion of trans girls here who are forced to leave home because their parents threw them out, who work in prostitution and their last refuge is working on the street, on the road. Today there are several associations, such as "transitions" and various projects that do holy works. I turn to the normative women, the cisgender, and emphasize that no one chooses to be transgender, no one. If there is such a person, I don't call him transgender, just like being gay is not by choice. To think that this is something that is the result of a choice and if I now get the right medicine or the right psychological treatment it will pass, it's really on the fringes of the fringes.

"Rights, like everyone else"

About 0.02 percent who did a process like mine, regret it afterwards. Most trans women don't regret it, it's just something that if you're not there, you don't understand. Put your shoes on backwards, see how far you can get. Therefore, for me, when I hear stories about trans girls and boys, the only thing we want is rights, like everyone else. No one is doing us a favor, it is our rights and no one else's.

I found myself on June 17, standing on stage as an outstanding teacher, June 18 announcing my departure, June 20 I wouldn't say at the end of the process, because life still goes on, but in the process. Today I feel that the glove fits the hand and the shoe fits the foot and I walk on metaphorical heels smoothly and no longer stumble.

Eliyahu's Cave - Sheila Weinberg from the book "Athol"
I stood in Elijah's cave,
In front of the sign
men or
women's part in sinagoge,
Name.
Against.
And I didn't know about it.
That's how I stood,
Against.

I prayed for my soul
And I asked for a blessing
so that I can turn
to them

May 2018