Is it appropriate for you to ask if it is appropriate for him?
That's what I ask a teacher who reports to me about a reluctant child who has great, great difficulty copying from the board.
What, now I'll check with him about everything? She replies. I have 37 kids in my class, you made me laugh. And what if he says: Not right for me!? Then I've got myself into trouble. There's no way to negotiate about any nonsense. He needs to learn to accept authority.
Tell me, I ask her, would you like to be checked to see if you are suitable to do things?
I'm not an example, he's a child and there are things that are not open to negotiation.
When you say this sentence to me now, does it feel soft or hard inside you?
What does that mean? I don't understand the question.
I ask because it's important to me that we look inside for a moment, not what you're saying to him, but from what position you're addressing him, beyond the words. Is it appropriate for you to touch on questions that we're not used to being asked and that we're not used to asking ourselves?
She laughs: It suits me.
Wonderful. So again, do you like to do things without being checked?
Of course not, but what's the connection? He's a child, I'm a teacher.
The roles are clear, there's no doubt about it, but when you're forced to do something against your will, will you do it?
Wow, Pazit, I'm losing patience, my dear, do you have a solution or not? Why are you going around and around with me?
Because I want to remind you why you came to me. You said you were considering leaving the profession because you feel like you've distanced yourself, that you're no longer happy to go to class, and that you're constantly stressed, have to deal with things that annoy you, want to get it over with...
True, but how is this related exactly?
Something about the person you work with doesn't suit you, right? Right. So it's time to write about a big Bristol: "Is it right for you?" and from there to start investigating. And that also means removing layers of fear and violence. Try to hear what I'm saying for a moment, because it's the same with your child. Remember when you told me you were trying to convince him to get into the shower and you told yourself you didn't have time to negotiate?
Probably.
Okay, I understand. I see now that it's me, both in my role as a mother and in my role as a teacher.
Exactly. Feel how when you are completely identified with the pressure suit of the 'role', you have no air, and you have no patience and no curiosity. And then the child does not meet the complete human being that you are. And if you think about it a little more, you will see that even when you look at someone through the eyes of a 'role' and speak from the lips of a role, you do not meet the complete human being that he is, but only his 'role' in front of you. Even in the case of the shower at home, you reduce this magical child to the role of 'my son', the one for whom I am 'responsible' and he will feel this narrowing frequency.
But the two simplest words in the world, "suitable for you," accompanied by a question mark, will take you into a different state of consciousness, into the quality of the world of connection, the world of respect and consideration and the orientation towards peace and harmony. It is a state of being with a completely different music. Adopting the new language is a process of awakening that undermines old structures. We will have to practice this, we don't learn to play in one lesson.
She thinks. Pazit, I find it hard to believe this will affect him.
You're right if all you care about is influencing him to do your will. But if you care about your long-term relationship...
But yeah, of course I care!
So, will you slowly develop an open heart, a heart that asks, is it right for you? And not from the outside as some kind of tip to achieve the result you want, but from a place of curiosity, how does this precious child experience things? This requires discovering within yourself a true desire to escape the world of giving up while being ready for any of his answers. After all, you want to build a multi-step process that will allow you to change, not just for him to change.
True, I wish... but I still haven't figured out what to do in class if the child says, for example, that it's not appropriate for him to copy from the board like everyone else and even gets rude?
Oh! That's the thing. When the child feels that you are not afraid of his 'no', that you do not oppose his opposition, he and all the children will move with you from the world of war to the world of discourse. Everyone will perceive that you are curious to understand his 'no' andSpeak with him instead of exterminating him.
They will understand that you are looking for together With him alternative strategies that will suit him, for a goal that is also his. Do you know what a great thing it is if the other side feels and believes that you care about him no less than you care about yourself? That you are not trapped in your agenda? His soul will absorb the respect that you give to yourself, and to him of course! And that you realize 'Love your neighbor as yourself,' which hangs in every school and synagogue like a sign that has no opposite.
Even in your own home, whenever your son resists your requests, be a source of inspiration for him to be strong. Stop to look within and say to yourself: This child is currently my coach for the strength of patience, the bravery of restraint. Can you feel that without patience there is no trust and no love, there is only egocentrism and a desire to control?
Wow. Without patience there is no trust and no love… You're right but it's hard. And he won't take advantage of my patience and perceive me as weak who gives in and submits to his whims?
He will do what he does, and you have no control over it. That is his role in the play. But when you are truly curious to get to know him and understand him to the end, the frequency changes. Curiosity is a miracle cure for releasing spasms. You cannot be both curious and afraid or hateful. The place of interest, from which you will think and speak and act, when you do not give up on your connection with him, is a very, very powerful place. And he will perceive that you are a human being like him, who sees and feels, and is angry and hesitates and knows, and does not know, and is frustrated and shares and apologizes… but you do not surrender to the forces of separation that exist in all of us. Something inside him will feel that you are praying and believing and trying and falling and getting up, and suddenly small miracles, the child looks at you with new eyes, he listens to you with new ears, and do you know why? Because you worked on yourself and not on him! And I believe he will want more of this goodness, and no, he will not take advantage of you, he will love the role model and inspiration you are.
She laughs. And he will also learn to ask me: Is it right for you?
If you give him enough examples… and only when it suits him.