A barking dog doesn't bite.

A large sign – “Dog Bites,” greeted me at the entrance to the yard of lawyer Siegfried Hertz’s house in the Ahuza neighborhood. On the sign was a menacing picture of a wolf’s head. I opened the spring-loaded gate and entered the yard. As soon as I let go of the gate, it closed by itself, making a loud clicking sound.

Immediately, two strange little brown dogs appeared running towards me, and started barking rapidly at me with a harsh and threatening sound. They pounced on me, and I didn't know whether to laugh or cry with laughter at the sight of the two miserable, noisy creatures in front of me. They clung to me. One of them bit the front of my right shoe, and the other bit the back of it. Luckily, I was wearing high shoes, so I didn't feel the bites. I shouted in Hungarian "Kishta!" at the dogs, but they didn't let go. I lifted my feet, and they were both hanging in the air on my shoes. Once again, I was lucky I was wearing high shoes, because otherwise their teeth would have dug into my feet.

I was tired of their prolonged grip on my shoes, so I decided to kick them off me towards the live fence, which under these circumstances would become a live and dead fence at the same time…

Just as I was about to stretch my legs, lawyer Siegfried suddenly came out, and when he noticed what was happening, he said quietly, with a worried expression on his face: "Kotsi, Motsi, Putsi! Enough, get off, both of you! It's not nice, it's my friend Tolk, stop it right away"! They didn't stop, but I stopped the violent shaking I had planned for them. Siegfried repeated: "Children, Kotsi, Motsi, Putsi, stop it, Putsi, it's not nice, go home right away"! They responded with loud snorts, but didn't let go of me.

At that moment, a disheveled, dyed blond head appeared from a second-floor window. It was Siegfried's wife, Hilda, who shouted: "Siggy, what's all that noise at noon? Can't you see it's Schlaf Stunde? I want to rest a bit after the hard day I had at the hairdresser and the pedicurist!"

Siegfried answered quietly, in a slightly Yiddish accent: "Look, girl, I'm making every effort to silence the dogs, and they refuse."

The girl stuck her head out of the window, and then I noticed that her hair was not messy, but rather had a modern "prichuska" (hairstyle in Russian). When she noticed the situation, she said: "Kotsi, Motsi, Potsi, quickly go to rest, mommy wants to sleep!"

Suddenly the dogs broke away from me and ran home. They lay down side by side on a large cushion next to the TV in the living room, looking at me with hostile eyes, the way a religious Jew looks at a pig…

After the conversation with the respected lawyer, I left his house. He accompanied me to the gate and apologized for the incident with the dogs. I asked him what kind of name "Kotsi, Motsi, Putsi" was. He explained that one dog was called "Kotsi Motsi", and the other "Motsi Putsi", and bragged that he and his wife had come up with a common name for them "Kotsi, Motsi, Putsi,". I thought to myself that this was a very appropriate name for a dog named Putsi... As soon as the gate slammed, the dogs woke up from their forced sleep and started barking, but I had already stepped on the gas and driven away.

On another occasion, I met attorney Siegfried Hertz at one of the Carmel clubs. I asked him with a frank smile: "Well, how are you, Kotsi, Motsi, Putsi?" He replied: "Oh, don't ask what happened. Mrs. Weintraubgarten, who is 95 years old, came into our yard. She arrived without prior arrangement, and one of the dogs bit her. She shouted at me and informed me that she would notify her attorney and sue me, but finally calmed down and said that this can happen between neighbors and that she was considering dropping the lawsuit. Attorney Siegfried replied to her: "You can sue, what do I care? I have insurance"! I asked him who bit her, Putsi Motsi, or Motsi Kotsi. He replied that he did not know, because the elderly lady could not identify which of the dogs bit her, especially since her eyesight was not what it used to be. He added that this was actually a point in his favor, since she would certainly not be able to identify the biting dog in an identification parade...

When I met with the esteemed lawyer for the third time, he was somewhat depressed. I wanted to cheer him up and asked him with a smile: How are Pozzi, Mozzi and Kotzi? He became even sadder and said: "A disaster has happened to us, Mozzi and Kotzi were taken from us prematurely." "What happened?" I asked, trying to look serious and concerned. He said: "We have an antipathetic neighbor named Liora. She entered our yard without permission, holding her cat in her arms. The dogs recognized her, but when they sensed the cat "Mitzik", they ran towards her. "Mitzik" panicked and ran to the other side of the road. Liora got angry, ran after him and did not slam the gate. Muzzi Kotsi chased the cat, and ran into the road without being careful. Liora's husband, who is a colleague of mine, arrived at that moment in his car, and did not have time to "bramsen" (stop), and ran over Muzzi Kotsi. We quickly took the poor dog to the veterinarian who lives on our street, Dr. Berlinerkindl, but he did not accept us and demanded that we come during reception hours, and not during Schlaf Stunde. Muzzi Kotsi died right in my hands.

"Now I want to sue my neighbor Liora, but I may give up the lawsuit, since her husband is a lawyer, and he claimed that according to the law, a dog must be tied up and not roam free, and the law also requires that it have a barrier over its mouth so that it cannot bite. In addition, he said that he has photos of the needs that the little pussies did on the sidewalk, and he will call the municipality's inspectors."

Tears filled my eyes from laughing so hard, but I tried with all my might to hide my mouth with my hand, and then Siegfried said to me: "Tolk, don't cry, even the girl and I haven't cried as much as you."

After about a month, I tried to schedule another meeting with my friend, lawyer Siegfried, but his cell phone didn't answer. I tried sending a fax, which he didn't respond to either, and when I tried to send an email, I received a reply that the mailbox was full, and there was no room left for new messages.

I eventually met Siegfried in his office. When I arrived, he looked worried, and was talking on the phone with someone, complaining to her that he hadn't yet received what he deserved.

When he finished, I asked: "Well, what's up? How's Mozzie?"

He replied: "Don't ask what happened. They broke into our house and stole everything in the living room, the flat-screen TV, the fax machine, my camera, my cell phone, my wallet with credit cards and cash in it, and even the car keys."

"How did this happen? What, you weren't home?"

"Yes, we were, it happened in the afternoon at three o'clock."

"And where were you?"

"We were resting during Schlaf Stunde and were on the top floor. The thieves emptied the bottom floor for us."

"And what about Mozzie Pozzi? He didn't bark"?

"He started barking, but the girl told him it wasn't nice to disturb mommy's sleep, so he kept quiet.

Wait a minute, Tolk, you understand electronics. Which second-generation cell phone should I buy? "Nokia" or "Ericsson"? And a "Sony" or "Philips" TV? I'm going to sue the insurance. Did you hear how I talked to the clerk...