While adults follow updates and analyze the situation, children experience war differently: through the body, through the eyes of their parents, through the shaking walls. In recent years, many studies have been conducted in an attempt to understand how war affects the child's psyche - and what can be done to help them survive the upheaval.
Even if the children sound mature, you have to remember that they are not. They are small, soft, sometimes they have not yet learned the rules of syntax, but unfortunately, they know exactly what an alarm is, to run and hide in the bomb shelter, and they know without words what the body feels when you hear an explosion. For children living in conflict and war zones, fear is not an abstract word – it is present, tangible, and sometimes even paralyzing.
Fear without words responses
Children are not "little adults." Their nervous systems are developing, their imaginations are abundant, and their ability to understand complex realities is limited. During times of war, they are exposed to difficult events: the sounds of explosions, harsh images on the news, separation from parents who have gone into the reserves, or even actual injuries at home and in the family. For many, fear becomes routine.
Michal Daliot, the "Super Nanny," argues that parents should not be in a position of compensation. "Every child reacts differently, and every child needs different help to cope. You need to be compassionate, loving, let the child know that you as parents are there for him and support him, but don't sacrifice the rules of education and don't feel that the children need compensation for the situation. Giving more sweets than ever or giving up the values of sharing within the home, giving up communication of mutual respect or giving up everything that is normally part of education, is destroying the framework for the child, and reinforcing his sense of instability."
Children may react with regression – a return to bedwetting, frequent crying, withdrawal or aggression. Some experience nightmares, difficulty sleeping, strong fears of places that were previously safe for them. Some children act out their fears – what is called “acting out”. The behavior can be more aggressive, regression to using a pacifier for bedwetting, stuttering, tics, tantrums, eating interruptions, irregular sleep, some children wake up more at night, and some children run a fever because the immune system is weakened by stress.
Accommodate children without anger
Daliot explains that a small child does not understand what is happening. He just feels a loss of control over the situation, and regression begins. Sometimes the children ask to come to the parents' bed. Not every parent can sleep next to a child. When a father has to get up early for work, he needs uninterrupted sleep. So he accompanies the child to his bed, waits with him for a while, and lets him sleep in his room. If that doesn't work out, sometimes it is right to put a mattress or an extra bed with a pillow and blanket in the parents' room, and tell the child that if he gets up at night, he can sleep on the extra bed or mattress but not wake his father. Containing the child means finding a solution, because the child is afraid, but it has to be within the scope that the parent accepts, that is possible for the parent. The child sees that he is being contained, feels protected, and at the same time understands the limits.
By respecting his parents' needs, he learns to respect himself and meet his inner strengths. In the morning, you can empower him, tell him how good you are for not waking up Dad. Daliot says that the parent must be firm but not aggressive. Authoritative along with loving and inclusive, be compassionate, be a little flexible but without breaking the rules and boundaries. A child who knows the boundaries feels safer.
During the period of October 7 when there were alarms, children played role-playing games in the kindergarten as if there were alarms. One of the mothers heard the children playing kidnapper and kidnapped. She was shocked, but professionals say that it is excellent, because in this way the children process the experiences they absorb and release the tension. All children have inner strength. Not everyone has it to the same extent, but everyone does. The parent's role is to help the child discover his inner strength. To let the child know that the parent is present, watching over and protecting. At the same time, the child needs to learn to trust himself to some extent. Things change. There was Corona, then war, and the child needs to receive the message that not all is lost when there is tension around. He needs to know that there is a path that can be continued, with a slight flexibility due to the situation, but not giving up on the path. When parents are busy compensating and pleasing the children, they are actually making a big mistake and damaging both their parental authority and the child's sense of stability, who feels that there are no limits.
Emotional support helps with stability
During Operation Cast Lead, Dr. Dekel and Dr. Danny Brom studied the reactions of children living in Sderot and the surrounding area. The findings were unequivocal: a third of the children developed symptoms of PTSD – post-traumatic stress disorder. The surprising finding was that children who received emotional support from their parents and the community functioned more stably, even when exposed to the same threats.
Another study conducted at Tel Aviv University compared Israeli and Palestinian children living in the reality of ongoing conflict. The researchers found that more than nationality, it is the human connection that matters: children who participated in educational or community activities were able to develop “mental resilience” – resilience in stressful situations.
International studies also confirm the findings. UNICEF reports in recent years, from countries such as Ukraine, Syria, and South Sudan, have shown that children living in war-torn areas suffer from impairments in memory, learning, and social relationships. On the other hand, creating a routine, psychological support, and parental guidance have succeeded in changing the picture.
A calm parental presence allows the child to absorb a protected experience. An adult who conveys confidence – even if they themselves are worried – helps reduce the intensity of fear in children. It is important to create an active routine even on days of missiles or evacuation. Morning routine, meals, bedtime story. Routine provides a sense of stability. It is important to remember that children express emotions through play, drawing and imagination. This is an important means of processing experiences, so it would be right to give children the means to create, to take them away from the screens for physical games, drawing, making dough, dancing, singing, any activity that creates space to release tension in a pleasant way.
Children ask questions and it is right to answer them gently, patiently. It is worth emphasizing in the answers that the parents are doing everything to protect them. The conversation should be age-appropriate. It would not be right to talk about bombs with a 3-year-old. One mother said that she told her child that the alarm is a friend that helps us get to a safe place. The child asked why we need a safe place? Because there are bad people who don't like us and want to drive us away, so they throw missiles at us. The missiles fly in the sky and can fall, make a hole or destroy the garden.
And we don't want it to fall on us, so we go to a protected room, to a safe place. Not to be afraid to answer the children, but to make sure to tell them the story that will let them know that we are doing the right thing and taking care of ourselves, that we care about them and that they can trust us. A child who feels loved, understood, and protected is able to cope with even difficult realities. And perhaps, amidst all the fire and smoke, that is what we really need to remember.
Discovering the power in children
Noa She talks about her children who, in situations of stress and fear, change their behavior. The guidance for her was that they need to contain it. Professionals emphasize: not getting angry or ignoring the children's distress. Tell them: Mom is here, let's sing together, let's run together. Contain. Don't let the child feel alone. There are many situations. Some children talk and some children don't talk, some young children don't want to have their diaper changed, refuse to eat, do things that seem to give them back control, because they feel like they don't have control. It's important to give the children the feeling that the parent knows what they're doing. That the parent is not panicking but calm, and then the child can trust them. Some children go back to peeing in their pants.
It's natural to have a setback, and then it works out. In the case of bedwetting, if the parent runs after the child and keeps asking him if he needs to pee, as if to protect the child from bedwetting, he's actually not allowing the child to take control of the process. You need to allow the setback, say 'oops, run away,' and let the child understand that you trust him to slowly regain control of it. Don't get angry, don't let him feel disappointed in him, allow this expression of fear, of the feeling of lack of control.
Children who refuse to sleep and play on their phones all the time need a framework and boundaries. Some parents are afraid of their children's screams and therefore do not take the phone away from them. When the parent is afraid of the child's reaction, when the parent lectures and constantly tries to compensate, he loses parental authority and does not give the child a supportive framework but a space where violence, screams, dramas are the key to action. In this situation, the parent should receive guidance, perhaps help, to create boundaries and a framework in which the child can grow and develop.
The child needs to understand that the relationship at home is not commercial – I will do it if you give me compensation – but rather it is a system of understanding, mutual help and partnership. Arrangements are made together, work is done together, and whoever does not share does not win. This is not a punishment. The parent can say: Since I do everything without your help, I cannot do everything that the child asks. Therefore, I do not take the toys out of the closet, because it will be difficult for me to collect them without your help, and so on. The child needs to present a worthy and desirable partner, and respect himself by having the parent show him that he respects himself.
There are things a child needs to know that they have to do without compensation. The parent is in control of their screen. They set the hours for use. Maybe after breakfast, after brushing their teeth. An hour on the phone. Then, with authority in their tone of voice, not aggression in their behavior, the parent should take the phone away from the child and invest time in playing at home, doing things together. Children need to be kept busy, they usually don't keep themselves busy with activities. The problem is that parents also spend long hours in front of their phone screens and it seems convenient for them not to keep the children busy. Children learn a lot from observation. A child who sees the parent in front of the phone all day will want to do the same. This is not healthy for the relationship with the parents, not healthy for the development of the children's inner resilience and the discovery of their inner strength, and certainly not healthy for the parents.
Professionals say that creative partnerships, joint activities, or even watching a movie on TV together are better than playing on the phone. If the child tells his mother, 'You don't decide for me,' that's not cute. Because you have to decide. You're the responsible adult. You have to exercise parental authority. Explain that cooperation is required, but you do decide because you want what's best for him. It's okay for the child to not be satisfied. Sometimes parents need to remind themselves that their child is growing abundantly and they don't have to compensate and please all the time. There's food, there's a warm bed, there's love, he has what he needs. "Don't be afraid of the child. The child has a good life. You have to let him understand his power in a way that he can see that we bring our power."
At any age Feel the energy
Even a baby or a one-year-old child feels energies. They feel the parents, the environment, feel the pulse, the worried eyes, the tone of voice. The child feels the tension and reacts. He may not remember anything, but at this stage he is reacting to what he feels. If the parent believes in the child's strength, then he will help him find his strength. The parent transmits: I am here and I am waiting for things to calm down. It is okay to tell the child: You are scared, because it is scary. You are sad and afraid and this is natural. But the parent must give the feeling that he is here and is watching. When an older child or an adult is anxious, it is worth seeking help from a doctor or something natural to improve the situation.
If a child has an attention problem, it gets worse in a situation of war, stress, or difficult events. Family counselors who specialize in this field should be consulted, because it varies from child to child. It is difficult, but it is personal to each child, and you need to receive guidance on how to set boundaries that the child can meet, so that he experiences success and not defeat, so that he does not think that he is constantly disappointing. You need to understand his abilities and create a process for him so that he can act in the way of education that his parents want to give him, and feel wanted and loved. Sometimes children do not meet their parents' expectations as they understand them, and think that they are not loved.
In some cases, it is advisable for parents to go to therapy, learn parenting, find a positive way to help children cope with fear, to provide a framework without ceasing to give love and a sense of inclusion. One of the mothers said that she works from home, but the children constantly ask for her attention and she has difficulty working. In this case, the recommendation is to ensure that the children are active, and explain that during these hours when the mother is working, she will not be able to respond. It is advisable to give the child time directions for breaks, during which he can turn to the mother. After this conversation, the parent should persist in the matter – even if the children shout, he does not respond until the break time, because every time they respond, the children understand that it is working and do not take responsibility for themselves. After all, they want their parents with them, they do not understand what a living is.
Smile, even if you are not calm inside.
If you have children at home, don't ask them to be the responsible adults. Take care of yourself, give your children the feeling that you are there for them, that you see them, include them and love them. On the one hand, allow them to trust you, and on the other hand, teach them to trust themselves, while encouraging and strengthening you. The adults in the house are also looking for tools to deal with fears. Not everyone grows up to develop resilience. I asked several friends to share what they are going through.
לRachel There are grown children and they do not live with her. She says that she takes sedatives and tries not to be alone. She has difficulty falling asleep, she has lost her appetite, she is tired during the day and tries to meditate to balance herself.
For Leah She has a son in Gaza and a daughter and grandson living with her. "As someone who has a son in Gaza and another son who is a soldier in the north, and in addition my daughter who is in September is with us with her husband and a one and a half year old grandson, I have to maintain positive energy. I don't turn on the TV, I try to behave normally, I don't bring worry into my heart and fear into my body and I only think about good things. I tell myself that there will be peace after the war and we can go for a walk, that the kidnapped people will return, that everything will be fine. I take care of the garden, plant flowers, cook so that the house smells good of food, and even if they tell me that I am disconnected from reality, it does me good. For me it just works."
Anat She moved in with a friend who has a medical emergency at her home. "The fear and anxiety are immense. As soon as I received an invitation from the company, I packed up and moved. The truth is that being 'together' is a bit calming. Since October 7th, I've been taking a calming pill every evening that I got from the doctor. I talk to myself, do breathing exercises, but my body shakes with every alarm. I believe that someone is watching over me from above. When I'm around the company's children, I try to be calm. I pray that everything will go smoothly. Getting stressed and panicking won't help anyway, so just hope for the best, and I recommend that everyone smile even if you're not calm inside, because it's important not to scare the children and try to convey confidence despite the fear."