Maybe it's me?
At first, Ben made Ronnie feel like the smartest, most beautiful, most special woman in the world. He looked at her with sparkling eyes, told her that she was different from all of them, that she was the only one who understood him. When she said something funny, he laughed out loud. When she talked about old pains – he listened intently, and promised never to hurt her.
After a few months, that changed. At first, it was just small comments.
"Do you really think this is a clever joke?"
"I think you're a little too sensitive, don't you?"
"But that's not what it was!"
"No one else is upset about this – just you."
Ronnie didn't understand. Maybe he was right? Maybe she really was taking everything too seriously?
They got married. Over the years she got used to it, but she was very hurt when he forgot their anniversary and came home late. When she reminded him that he had promised to come early, and that they had planned to go out, he said: "I never said that. You even said it wasn't important to you. Why are you making things up now?"
She was sure she told him the opposite, but he was so convincing that she wasn't sure anymore. When he forgot to pick up the girl from kindergarten, he accused: "This morning did you tell me you were picking her up, or were you just talking to yourself?"
She lost her confidence. When she started writing things down so she wouldn't forget, he laughed: "What will become of you, a walking diary?"
Gradually, Ronnie stopped trusting herself. She apologized for things she didn't do, and asked for forgiveness even when she was the one who was hurt.
She gave up going out with her friends once a week – he claimed they were a bad influence on her, turning her against him. Over time, she felt completely lost. When her anger flared up, they started fighting. But he managed to silence her pretty quickly: “Even your dad says you’re too sensitive. Everyone sees it but you.”
The disillusionment
One night, she found herself sitting in front of her computer, staring at the screen. She opened an AI website, thought for a moment, and then typed:
"How do I know if I'm losing it, or if someone is making me feel this way?"
The answer came immediately:
"This question is a bright red sign that something is wrong in your relationship.
If you're asking this, it's very likely that you're not "losing it," but rather someone is playing with your perception.
Here's how you can understand what's really going on:..."
She read, then read again. Each sentence was as if someone were describing her life without knowing her.
Then, she rested her elbows on the table and held her head in her hands.
For the first time in years, she no longer asked herself "What did I do wrong?", but rather "How did he manage to convince me that I was the problem?".
The toolbox
We discussed the early signs of identifying a narcissist. In a previous episodeIf you failed to identify a narcissist during the initial introduction phase (and unfortunately, the vast majority of you probably will), there are signs that can be detected when the relationship enters its "steady state".
This is a later stage, but your commitment may not be complete, and you may not have completely fallen into his trap. But even if you have already fallen deep into the net, it is still important to recognize the situation in order to extricate yourself from it. To do this, it is important to know the narcissist's toolbox.
Narcissists use a variety of psychological and emotional tools to manipulate and control others. These tools help them maintain power, feed their ego, and avoid responsibility. These tools are usually activated after the initial contact phase, and familiarity with them is essential for the victim to recognize the problem.
Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a psychological manipulation in which a person causes another to question their perception of reality, memories, or judgment. The term is derived from the play and film "GasLight," in which a man cheats on his wife and convinces her that she is losing her mind, by making subtle changes to the environment (such as turning off the gas lights) and denying that they happened.
The goal of gaslighting is to control the victim, undermine their self-confidence, and make them doubt themselves and become emotionally dependent on the perpetrator. This includes, among other things:
- To lie and refuse to admit to lying.
- Treating things that didn't happen as if they really did.
- Insist that things you witnessed never happened, and that you remember them incorrectly.
- Spread rumors and gossip about you, and/or tell you that other people are gossiping about you.
- Tell you that you are overreacting when you catch them behaving inappropriately.
- Blame and blame shifting – “It’s not my fault, it’s …’s fault,” “You hurt me first.”
- Word-hopping: Narcissists love to construct complicated and seemingly logical verbal constructions. They will use long, circular, and even illogical arguments to emotionally exhaust their victim and confuse them. They will also make sure to always have the last word.
In personal relationships:
- Smoothing out a significant event by minimizing it and using loving words that don't match what they did.
- Distorting reality to hide their abusive behavior:
- Minimizing the hurtful behaviors or words and dismissing emotions ("It was just a joke" or "You're too sensitive," "You're exaggerating as always")
- Denial of reality – “It never happened,” “You’re imagining it,” “You’re making things up,” “I never said that.”
- Distortion of facts – "It happened exactly the opposite", "You remember everything wrong", "I did it for you", "It didn't happen that way".
- Creating self-doubt – “Everyone says you’re acting strange,” “Are you sure that’s what you saw?”, “You’re paranoid,” “You’re crazy.”
Signs that you are a victim of gaslighting:
- You apologize endlessly.
- You doubt your memory.
- You fear that you are "crazy" or unstable.
- You are afraid to speak up for fear of provoking a negative reaction.
- You feel like you are "walking on eggshells."
Silence treatments
The silent treatment is a favorite punishment tool of narcissists of all types when things don't go their way. The silence and ignoring can last for days and weeks, even after a minor argument over a minor issue.
Emotional swing
The victim finds himself bombarded with excessive compliments and attention ("Love Bombing" - "You're perfect!", "You're just a genius") to create dependency. Next comes the stage of decline in esteem ("You're not what I thought", "You're disappointing").
These waves tend to repeat themselves. To start the cycle over, you may hear phrases like “I can’t live without you.” But make no mistake—the narcissist will only pretend to care to manipulate, not out of genuine concern.
Third-party use
Introducing a third party to create jealousy, competition, or insecurity ("My ex was much more understanding than you").
This group also includes spreading lies or exaggerations among work colleagues, friends, and family members, in order to incite others against the victim.
- "She is mentally unstable,"
- "He hurts children,"
- "She doesn't do anything at home, it's all on me,"
- "She is inciting the children against me,"
- "He is not professional,"
- "He is corrupt and takes money into his pocket,"
- ...
Projection and approximation
Blame for behaviors of which he himself is guilty.
- "You are not faithful to me,"
- "You tell stories about me behind my back,"
- "You are undermining my status,"
- ...
The narcissist also often presents himself as a victim, in order to gain sympathy and avoid blame. ("This is how you treat me after everything I've done for you!"). In this area, covert narcissists are artists. Since the narcissist's worldview is suspicious, vindictive, and conspiratorial, he has difficulty understanding that the victim is not like that. As a result, he also attributes conspiratorial and vindictive thinking to the victim, even when the latter acts in good faith.
Financial control (mainly in relationships)
Using money to manipulate your partner, create dependency, and allow for dictating terms.
Border checking
The narcissist will constantly push the boundaries to see how far they can exploit and control the victim. If the victim does not set boundaries, escalation is inevitable.
Argument tactics of a narcissist
- Personal attack
- mechanism: Focusing on the critic's personal characteristics ("You're paranoid") instead of the content of the claim
- Purpose: Silenced by humiliation
- Blurring nuances
- mechanism: Presenting two extreme options as exclusive ("Either you're with me or against me")
- Purpose: Enforcing obedience by eliminating nuances
- Distortion and simplification of the original claim
- mechanism: Distorting the original claim into an easily refuted version ("So you're saying I'm a bad mother?")
- Purpose: Creating the impression that the criticism is unfounded
- Distraction via "Whataboutism"\"You too!"
- mechanism: Changing the subject to one that evokes guilt ("Are you talking about lies? And what about your lie in 2019?", "Are you claiming to be hurt? And what about my birthday that you forgot?")
- Purpose: Creating confusion and neutralizing the original conversation, by diverting the subject and counter-accusing
How to deal with a narcissist
Living with a narcissist is an unsolvable problem, which at best can be managed temporarily.
The most effective way to leave the problem behind us is to cut off all contact, and even that won't always prevent it from trying to come back into our lives. Unfortunately, cutting it off isn't always possible. It could be a boss at work, a spouse we divorced but need to maintain contact with for the sake of our children, etc.
The ways to cope depend on the type of relationship (whether it's a work relationship, a relationship, etc.) and we'll go into more detail in the appropriate chapters. In any case, it won't be easy, because you'll have to tiptoe around him all the time.
General steps for temporary management – reducing friction
- Set realistic expectations. It's not going to be easy.
- Educate yourself about NPD.
- Define your boundaries. How much you are willing to take. Enforce those boundaries.
- Be careful with your wording. Narcissists have a hard time accepting criticism, or seeing your point of view.
- Stay calm. Try not to react if they try to start a fight or engage in gaslighting. Think of them as a 3-year-old who is angry that their toy was taken away.
- Make sure you have a support system. The narcissist will create feelings of insecurity, confusion, and self-doubt in you.
- Pick your battles. Minimize arguments or direct confrontations.
- Minimize attempts to direct him. It usually won't work. Narcissists love control and fear losing it.
- Don't expect deep, meaningful communication. Narcissists have very little, if any, empathy.
Log out
If you've already gone through the stage of trying to "get along" with him, and all you want to do is disconnect, it's important that you recognize his great weakness. The narcissist is essentially a mask covering a great emptiness. He is incapable of introspection, because there is nothing there. The narcissist exists for the reaction of others. His great fear is to be invisible.
He must be admired, and he must be in control. His power, identity, and sense of self derive only from the impression he creates and the emotional reactions he generates in his environment, which provide him with emotional fuel and validation for his power. A question that no narcissist can truly answer, because it forces him to look into the abyss within himself, is: "What would you do if you could no longer impress anyone?"
Take away his admiration, take away his approval, take away the endless arguments he will surround you with, and what is left? Nothing. There is an emptiness that he cannot cope with. That is why he is addicted to emotional supply like a drug. He needs doses of emotional responses to survive, and he works hard to get them from his victims. Take that away from him and he, like other addicts, will fall apart.
Therefore, the way to get out of it is to disconnect it from the emotional supply you are providing it with. The key is not to play its game, but to get out of the game altogether.
Just ignore him. Don't respond to provocations. Remain indifferent, and let him understand that you don't need him. So, for example, instead of getting dragged into another futile and endless argument, simply say something like:
- "I have no interest in this conversation"
- "That's your opinion"
- "I heard you"
- "I'm not going to explain it to you again."
Then, simply turn your back on him (or alternatively, leave the WhatsApp chat) and leave him alone. Ignoring and disconnecting are a direct blow to his emotional supply, and this will throw the narcissist off balance.
Is narcissism curable?
Unfortunately, probably not. Narcissists, by their very nature, are incapable of understanding their condition, and will not seek help on their own. In any case, as of today, there is no proven cure or treatment for narcissistic personality disorder.
Comments:
- Most narcissists are male, but the phenomenon crosses gender lines. References here to "narcissist" generally refer to a man or a woman.
- Although I hold a degree in psychology, I am not a certified psychologist. The information written here is based primarily on extensive research and the collection of materials from various sources.