Beware, Narcissist! • Chapter 3 • Identifying a Narcissist

the king

When Yoav was seven, his mother told him he was special. When he was twelve, his teachers said he was charming. In the army, they recognized his leadership qualities. When he was twenty-five, his principal said he was brilliant.

Yoav learned to listen only when people talked about him. He had a charming smile and a convincing voice when he asked for something. People melted in front of him – the boss gave him a raise. His friends forgave him even when they caught him lying. In his new job, he talked about vision and excellence. The CEO called him an “inspiring leader,” and the employees thought he was charismatic.

No one recognized a problem. When he fired the employee who dared to criticize him, HR said it was "personality differences." When he took credit for every achievement and blamed his subordinates for failures, the atmosphere began to sour. But when people who had been subordinates to him started leaving, the CEO became suspicious. A month later, he left "by mutual consent."

He wrote a post on LinkedIn about how "the organization was not ready to deal with real innovation," adding to his resume: ""Leading change. Initiating. Pioneering."

In his job interviews, the interviewers noted: "charisma," "self-confidence," "personal charm." When they called the manager at his previous company to ask for a recommendation, he threw out a few kind words because he was uncomfortable.

No one recognized a problem. Within a month, he was working in a new place. But like a virus with no cure, he continued to infect every environment he entered.

Grandiose VS Vulnerable (Covert) Narcissism

in the previous episode We have made the distinction between Grandiose (Overt) Narcissism and Vulnerable (Covert) Narcissism, also known as "Covert Narcissism." In both cases, we are dealing with people with a deep need for admiration and affirmation of their greatness, a lack of inner self-confidence, an inability to accept criticism, a sense of entitlement, a need for control, and a lack of empathy for others.

The difference is in the way the disorder manifests itself, its visibility, and the strategies they use to gain attention. The grandiose narcissist externalizes ostentatious behavior and openly demands admiration. He appears self-confident, arrogant, charismatic, ambitious, and arrogant. The covert narcissist tends to hide behind a sensitive and vulnerable exterior, and seeks admiration indirectly, by presenting himself as a victim and martyr, and by emotionally manipulating and inducing feelings of guilt in others.

He expects his "uniqueness" to be recognized even without explicitly declaring it, and is prone to passive-aggressive vindictiveness: if hurt, he will hold a grudge but will remain silent and manipulate others in indirect ways. Both types can be found at work, in politics, and in the family, with the grandiose being more prominent and dominant (and with the potential for greater damage) in politics and at work. Of the two types, the covert narcissist is more difficult to identify.

In a business and political environment

Narcissists who occupy management positions in the business and political environment will usually be of the grandiose type, as their characteristic traits (charisma, self-confidence, persuasiveness, assertiveness, etc.) are highly rewarded in the management career.

Covert narcissists are more likely to be found in behind-the-scenes roles such as junior managers, consultants, or technical experts, but their impact is bad there too.

In the family environment

Grandiose narcissists tend to exhibit dominant, demanding, and empathetic behavior that places them at the center of attention. They create family dynamics where other family members may feel silenced, humiliated, or neglected.

Covert narcissists tend to exhibit hypersensitivity, victimization, resentment, and passive-aggressive behavior (for example, a demanding mother who, instead of overt anger, will exhibit ignoring and the silent treatment, and/or statements such as "I'm used to no one here considering me"). They deliberately create conflicts and feelings of guilt within the family.

Can a narcissist combine grandiosity and vulnerability?

Yes, a narcissist can combine traits of both Grandiose and Vulnerable/Covert narcissism, although usually one style is more dominant. Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a spectrum, and individuals may exhibit traits from either extreme depending on the context, emotional state, or environment.

A narcissist may exhibit grandiose behavior in situations where they feel secure or in control, such as when they are admired or in the spotlight. When the same person encounters criticism, failure, or rejection, they may engage in hurtful behavior, such as victimization, emotional withdrawal, or complaints of lack of appreciation.

Narcissists with combined traits may shift between states of extroverted superiority (grandiose) and hypersensitivity and a sense of victimhood (vulnerable) depending on their mental state. For example, after success, they may exhibit arrogant behavior, but after failure, they may become complaining or passive-aggressive.

Why is it hard to identify a narcissist right away?

Initial identification of a narcissist is very difficult. The main reasons are:

• Good faith of the victim – There is no reason to assume that the person you met is like that, and there is a difficulty in being willing to check into such a problem at the beginning of the relationship. This requires suspicion in advance. This is not the ideal way to start a relationship with a boss or colleague, and it is certainly not a particularly romantic way to start a romantic relationship.
• The narcissist specializes in first impressions.

With covert narcissists, this is especially difficult, because their behavior is less noticeable and more extroverted.

At work

Grandiose narcissists

• They display exaggerated self-confidence, charisma, and persuasive language – traits that are interpreted as “leadership,” “assertiveness,” or “performanceism.”
• They excel at selling themselves and credit themselves with ideas and achievements, which distracts from their lack of real contribution.
• They form alliances with powerful people quite quickly.

Covert narcissists

• Create empathy and closeness by sharing their difficulties and injustices done to them, and by presenting information as if it is special and "just for you."

In politics

Grandiose narcissists

• Narcissistic politicians excel at exciting rhetoric, grandiose promises ("we will lower the cost of living," "we will crush terrorism"), and the ability to blame others for failures ("only I can fix the system," "this is political persecution," "it's not my fault," "they didn't tell me").
• They are experts at creating a cult of personality – victims of a cult of personality behave like a cult and lose all ability to criticize.
• Voters tend to prefer overconfidence over honesty, especially in times of uncertainty.

Relationship

At the beginning of a relationship, narcissists lavish their partner with excessive attention, bring gifts, compliment them nonstop, and create a sense of immediate and deep connection. This causes the partner to ignore warning signs, even if they appear.

Family (parents, children, siblings)

In a family, people are born and raised into life with a narcissist, and this is seen as something natural. Therefore, initial identification is practically impossible.

NPD's Late Identification Price

The difficulty in initially identifying narcissists allows them to easily capture victims.

In relationships, many couples only realize where they have fallen after they are already married and have children. Early recognition could have prevented them from falling into a destructive relationship and a lot of suffering could have been spared.

In the case of a narcissistic parent, the problem is especially difficult. Young children have no tools to understand that their parent is different, and there is no way to explain their situation to them. They are naturally attached to the parent and gradually grow into the reality of living in a toxic environment. The explosion will come only after many years of suffering.

In business systems, recognition can be delayed for a long time, and in political systems it can take forever. These systems are inherently competitive and achievement-oriented, and reward grandiose narcissistic behavior. As such, the system can promote a dangerous narcissist to positions of influence. The result can ultimately be a glorious business failure, or, in the political arena, enormous social and national damage. 

A Guide for the Potential Victim: Initial Identification of NPD

The nine NPD criteria outlined In a previous episode can be used to identify signs of narcissistic behavior. The problem is that some of them are not obvious at the beginning of the relationship. Nevertheless, we will try to give a few tips for identification.

In the grandiose narcissist

1. Arrogance, excessive boasting, and ostentatious behavior. For example: Pay attention to his driving style on the road.
2. Glorifying achievements – he will try to impress you with success stories.
3. Connecting with the "special" – boasting about connections with people of status (for example: "The manager is a personal friend of mine," "The restaurant owner is a childhood friend").
4. Seeking connections with people who can be of some use to them.

With the covert narcissist

1. Approaching
2. Hypersensitivity to criticism, and passing on deadly criticism to others.

The other signs are usually hidden in the early stages of getting to know each other. During this time, the narcissist is likable and charming. He is a great actor and will be able to imitate empathy and sensitivity without a problem. In the beginning, he needs to gain your trust, so he will not try to take advantage of you yet.

Recommendation: At the beginning, pay attention to how the person in front of you relates to the environment.. The NPD characteristics that are hidden from you at this stage may emerge in front of others.

Manipulative and exploitative behavior

Watch for manipulative and/or exploitative behavior on his part. At first, it won't be directed at you, but he (especially the grandiose one) will think he's impressing you by displaying these abilities. Watch out if he tends to "smack" others or "obtain" benefits in an exaggerated and questionable way ("I paid the waiter a little to get a better table - I know how to manage", "I lowered the price, I said I know the owner").

He may behave courteously towards you, but ignore or belittle service providers or "unimportant" people.

Lies

The narcissist lies without a problem and without stopping to maintain control, improve his self-image and carry out manipulations. He will invent achievements, relationships or experiences, to glorify himself. In the acquaintance phase he is more careful, and will try not to take risks and not to be caught in lies that are too transparent and blatant. It is easier to catch him lying to others.

A partner who fell into a toxic relationship with a narcissist says:

"One day, at the beginning of our acquaintance, we were walking down the street and met a friend of his from his school days. The friend said that the company he works for was sending him on a relocation abroad. My partner cringed for a moment, but immediately recovered and said that he was also on his way to a relocation for several years. I was very surprised, because he hadn't told me about it, and I asked him later what it was about. He mumbled something about there being such an intention. I didn't really get an answer, but at the time it didn't seem important to me. Today, I know that there was a sign here that I missed."

Comments:

• Most narcissists are male, but the phenomenon crosses gender lines. References to "narcissist" here generally refer to either a man or a woman.
• Although I hold a degree in psychology, I am not a certified psychologist. The information written here is based primarily on extensive research and the collection of materials from various sources.

For previous episodes: