The new VP
Yaniv, user interface team manager at a high-tech company, says:
After Ariel was appointed VP of Development in place of Ziv, we had an introductory meeting with him. Ariel came from a well-known and respected company, and the CEO had high expectations for the new acquisition.
Ariel was a handsome and charismatic guy, dressed in jeans and a DOLCE & GABBANA shirt. "I bring with me a new vision," he said, "and with it we will reach places you have never dreamed of."
He asked everyone to introduce themselves, then stood up and said in his baritone voice: "You are the arrowhead of the company. We are going to do amazing things here, and I will make sure everyone knows it."
We left the meeting feeling good. "He seems like a good guy," I told Yael, "much more energetic than Ziv." She nodded in agreement. In the first few weeks, Ariel used to compliment everyone. "Yaniv, you're just a genius," he told me after I showed him the new interface that the team I headed had developed.
"Only you can get work of this level here," said Liel, the manager of the algorithms team, during one of their meetings.
Something bad is happening here.
Ariel would open his weekly team meetings with a speech about his "vision," presenting himself as the mastermind behind every success. In meetings with investors and clients, he would present innovative ideas as if they were his alone, even though they were all born in the minds of others, led by Yael, the manager of the algorithms team, whose team developed groundbreaking algorithms.
Slowly, an uncomfortable feeling began to seep into me. He was charismatic and radiated power and energy, but something felt wrong here. Ariel did not delegate authority. He demanded that team leaders report on every detail, from code written to conversations with customers. When Yael once tried to take the initiative and present a new idea directly to the CEO, Ariel literally exploded and turned on her.
At a team leaders' meeting in the conference room, he accused her of "disloyalty" and "unprofessionalism." "Anyone who thinks they can outdo me doesn't understand how we work here," he scolded her in front of everyone. When the project fell behind schedule due to his miscalculation, he called all the employees together and blamed Dan, a junior programmer, for "not keeping up."
On the other hand, when the project reached an important milestone, Ariel was quick to present it to the CEO as his personal achievement, without any credit to the team.
Deterioration
One day Ariel called me into his office. "You're the star of the development department," he said, "but be careful: Yael is trying to trip you up. She's telling me unflattering things about you behind your back."
I left there in shock – Yael and I have been working together for years!
After much deliberation, I caught Yael for a conversation. She claimed she didn't know what I was talking about, but I no longer knew who to believe. She looked at me and recognized the doubt in my eyes. I saw the insult in her eyes. She turned around, walked away, and never spoke to me again. For Yael, who was tired of the humiliation and oppressive management, this was the last straw, and she went to complain to human resources. In response, Ariel made sure to spread rumors among the VPs about her "lack of professionalism" and "lack of support." He then declared that she "did not fit the company's organizational culture" and recommended that she be fired.
Yael didn't even wait for the hearing. She just got up, gathered her things and left without looking back. Within days we heard that she had accepted a position as VP of Development at a competing company. We continued with him.
In a meeting with the German client, Ariel promised him (in excellent English, of course) to develop a new user interface feature for him within a month. I immediately realized that we had no chance of meeting such a schedule. When I tried to explain to Ariel quietly in Hebrew that there was a problem here, he publicly silenced me.
"You're ruining my reputation!" he shouted at me in Hebrew in a conference room full of people. I fell silent, and the German, who didn't understand what was happening, looked surprised and shocked.
Two weeks later, my two best developers came in and left resignation letters on my desk. "I can't take this atmosphere anymore," one of them told me in tears, "I can't work like this."
"I can no longer see him or hear his voice," said the other.
I tried to talk to them, but they already had an offer in hand to work for Yael at the competing company. I went into Ariel with the news. He shrugged: "Weak. They don't fit the company's vision anyway."
The explosion
After a month, everything exploded. The German client, who hadn't received what he was promised, threatened to sue. Ariel disappeared for a "family illness."
When he returned, it was already too late. At the hearing he was summoned to, he was still playing it big. "You're making a serious mistake," the CEO told Danny, "It's Yaniv who failed in his mission and screwed up the business. I'm the only one who can save the project."
A month after he left, we discovered that he had deleted summaries of meetings he had with clients from the system. We talked to them, apologized, and filled in the gaps. Slowly, things started to fall into place. The projects that had been delayed before began to flourish once Ariel stopped interfering and getting in the way. But the real damage could no longer be repaired: We lost two talented developers, and most importantly, we lost Yael. The company lost its most brilliant engineer, and I lost a dear friend who cut off all contact with me. To this day, when I hear the name "Ariel," something in my stomach contracts. I didn't know there were people like that.
Today I know that there are people who have no boundaries and no rules. They will lie, they will trample, and they will destroy everything – friendships, projects, entire companies – just to maintain the illusion that they are the smartest and to receive the admiration they think they deserve.
introduction
Ariel is an example of a manager suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). The story above is fictional, but make no mistake – it is not talked about much, but quite a few narcissists live among us. Similar devastating stories happen every day somewhere, at work, in politics and most painfully – within families.
The term "narcissist" has become a popular term for someone who is selfish, without a true understanding of the complex clinical and psychological meaning behind it. Most of us can be attributed with some narcissistic traits, but Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a complex and dangerous disorder.
The story above illustrates something of the toxic effect a narcissist can have on their environment, and the devastation they can wreak on those around them. Most of us don't really understand the phenomenon until we come face to face with someone. It could be someone we've known for a long time, and suddenly we discover that there's something about them that we didn't know existed.
When this happens, the first reaction is often one of utter astonishment: ""It can't be real." I also didn't really internalize the intensity of the phenomenon until I encountered it up close. It was almost incomprehensible. Until then, I thought that this kind of behavior was only seen in particularly exaggerated television series. The experience left me determined to investigate and understand the phenomenon in depth.
In this series of articles, I will seek to shed light on the phenomenon of narcissism from various angles, and provide insights into how to identify a narcissist in time, and how to behave when you have already become entangled in his web.
Among other things, I will discuss the following points in the series:
- The clinical definitions of narcissism
- How a narcissistic personality is created
- Narcissist at work
- Narcissist in politics
- Narcissist in relationships and family
- How to identify a narcissist as early as possible
- How to defend yourself against a narcissist
Note: It seems that most narcissists are male, but the phenomenon crosses gender lines. When I refer to "narcissist" in general, it can refer to either a man or a woman.
Full disclosure: I hold a degree in psychology, but I am not a certified psychologist. The information I will provide here is based primarily on extensive research and extensive material collection.
I will end the introduction with a quote from a well-known psychologist, who spoke in this context several decades ago: "The question is always, how much damage can such a person cause to his family (deep emotional disappointment to those close to him), to his partners (financial losses due to acts of fraud), to his people and country, and perhaps to the entire world, before those concerned realize that they are dealing with a person with a profound personality disorder, who must be treated with caution."
Every word carved in stone.
I was married to a narcissist, it's very hard to recognize it until it's too late. The damage continues to accompany you even after the relationship ends, especially if you have children together. They are very sophisticated and manipulative, they don't care about the other person's feelings. You are just a tool that serves them. They draw from you as much as they can and take advantage of you. The only thing you can do is try to learn how to recognize them and stay away like fire. They burn you inside and out.
Full contact for abuse! Submit to a lawyer.
Wow, how true that is.
I would love to receive more articles on the subject.
thanks for sharing.
Sounds like my husband.
Excellent article. From bitter personal experience, it is very difficult to get out of the web once you are trapped in it.
Anat
A very interesting article that allows you to understand how a person with narcissistic personality traits behaves. One of the topics you presented is how to identify... I would love for it to be a priority to make it easier to understand who the people we have relationships with of various types have narcissistic traits.
Thank you for your input and clear writing.
Is what is described here just narcissism?
Narcissists
anywhere
In schools, in welfare centers, in kindergartens, in supermarkets, on public transportation, and in short, anywhere possible.
Poor miserable people
That there is probably no way to cure them and they are really a virus, and what should you do with a virus?
Narcissists make their spouses, children, and everyone around them miserable.
But the problem is that no one imagines that they are causing all this evil!!!
It's crazy that there are so many of these people.
My mother is like that unfortunately.
It took me 22 years to realize that she was just taking advantage of her children and her husband.
Controls them in a delusional way, causing conflict beneath the surface between the brothers.
Extremely manipulative, always blaming everyone but herself.
I had to cut off contact with her, she ruined my relationship.
She ruins every good part.
She is a manager, and a psychologist.
Her employees are just miserable.
But they don't understand why...
Because she looks as successful, kind, compassionate, magical, and beautiful as can be.
Thank you for sharing and being honest.
The goal of this series is to make people and women who are in the situation you were in until recently understand what is happening to them and take action.
If you had read these things 20 years ago, you might have been spared a lot of pain and suffering.
So thanks again, and if anyone else is willing to share their experiences (you don't have to identify yourself, of course) I would be very happy - it would help someone.
And to the other readers – share this article. There are people in need that it can save.
Excellent article.
And it's scary to discover that there are such people among us.
I would be happy to continue the article, of course.
The person depicted looks exactly like my husband's mother.
She had a divide and rule section between the brothers.
And this is to give her power and control
Reminds me of a senior politician who tends to blame all his subordinates for the terrible failures he has brought upon the country, and takes credit for every success. The amazing thing is that many of the members of the board of directors that elected him, which is us, continue to believe him.
I went through a similar story at work.
It's been over eight years, I think maybe more, and I'm still completely scarred by that person.
I won't give too many details, but a medium-sized private company that I work for (to this day) in a central role since its founding. They brought the "star" that marked me individually. Even though I really helped establish the company, I considered resigning.
In the end he was fired.
It still caused a lot of damage, both to customers and to me, because the landlords didn't see the damage it was causing to the company and the personal harm to me.
Enough with the hatred
You dug
Unfortunately, after many hurts and reading many articles about narcissists
The solution is: No contact
To go away like fire
They destroy every good plot.
Interesting article, Mr. Yoram.
In general, the entire field of human psychology, as it relates to work or politics, is very interesting.
For example, I happened to read an interesting article in Maariv in which clinical psychologist Dr. Ofer Grozenbard analyzes or attempts to analyze the character of former Prime Minister Rehm Olmert through a psychological prism.
I sometimes read your articles and was surprised that among your writing skills you also have a degree in psychology. For example, how about you agree to try to psychologically analyze Yore Meretz through his harsh statements?
I would love the rest of the series.