Giving and volunteering: between personal satisfaction and fulfillment and a feeling of exploitation, frustration and disappointment

We all have that friend or girlfriend who takes more than they give. We've all had the experience at least once that we're always ready to help but actually don't have much that we can ask for help from if and when we need it ourselves. In the days when many volunteer and do for the soldiers, the families, the wounded and the injured, there are those who experience the expectation that everything will be done voluntarily without giving anything in return, disappointing and frustrating, sometimes even feeling a bit like exploitation. These people who volunteer, those who love to give, who do endlessly for others sometimes at the expense of their own well-being, often find themselves surrounded by people who love to receive, what are mockingly called "free eaters", or exploiters.

The volunteers come with an open heart with a strong belief that they should be partners in the general effort and support anyone in need. They do not ask for thanks, but in the energy of each and every one's giving there is the expectation of appreciation, recognition, to know that their giving did help. I met with three volunteers who are alternative caregivers, women aged 50 plus who took it upon themselves to pamper everyone who needs it during the war. In fact, their giving is not limited to times of war.

Throughout life, in almost every field where someone is needed, they were there to give. Their giving is impressive. Three women who talk about the satisfaction of volunteering, about the sense of mission and also about those who take without saying thank you.

Orna: My mission is to take care

Orna Together with a group of mind-body therapists, makes sure to provide massage and reflexology therapy. "We all came to volunteer with a sense of mission, out of a sincere desire to help. There are thousands of volunteers. We started with treatments for the reservists and the families of the abductees, then also for the abductees who returned and the victims of the Nova. In the next step we were also joined by widows and bereaved mothers. We volunteer and volunteer so you can ask for anything. Join the activity Also wounded fighters in hospital wards and the families of the fighters.

We are part of a huge group of therapists who are also called to the IDF bases to treat mainly the reservists, but also the regular soldiers. .

"Expenses for fuel, loss of working days, food bought on the road during the long days we take care of, and it all comes out of the private pocket. If there are donations? There are donors and donations but for some reason it didn't reach me. I guess someone got it. I recently asked. Not until now I felt comfortable asking, but it didn't happen, so I have no choice. I have a hard time with these expenses," she says, adding: "I want to continue to care because these are my values, this is what I feel is my mission, but I understand that I need To mark limits to my giving because it has moved to a situation where I am a little frustrated and feel taken advantage of.

If the donations can help me finance my travels, and everyone I drive in my car, it will allow me to continue. In many respects it is like saying thank you, we appreciate and want you to continue. And even though it's not there, I haven't given up yet. When I meet a soldier at a gas station, I ask him if they have come to treat his unit, and if he says no, I give him my business card and ask him to have one of his commanders contact me so that we can arrange treatments for them. When the relationship begins, the coordination begins: how long can we come, where to go, whether to come with food, with music, with a mobile hairdresser, whatever is needed. There are people from all fields in the caregiver groups and everyone wants to give of themselves. In short, a complete organization.

When it turned out to me that there are donations and some are accepted for fuel and some are not, it made me uncomfortable. It makes it unpleasant. I'm not there to receive but to give, that's why it doesn't stop me, but financially I can come less because the costs of the trip are high."

Noa: brings love and not anger

The motivations for giving and volunteering differ from person to person. Many people volunteer to feel that they are influencing others or improving the world around them. People who grew up in an environment that emphasizes values ​​of giving, tend to act accordingly even in their adulthood. In addition, some of the personal motives are a search for social connections. Voluntary activity makes it possible to make connections with people who share similar values.

The feeling of exploitation arises when there is a lack of balance between giving and receiving, when the relationship between giver and receiver is not mutual, when instead of thanks, there is a demand to continue giving. Lack of recognition and lack of appreciation causes disappointment and hurt, because the giver feels that his investment is not treated adequately. Excessive giving can also lead to burnout. When a person gives out of a sense of obligation or fear of social judgment rather than out of inner choice and generosity, he may feel taken advantage of because his internal mechanism seeks compensation for meeting the obligation.

Noa She says that the patients don't always appreciate her giving either. "I was taking care of the soldiers and suddenly someone came and wanted me to take care of her. I agreed, but when I started, someone else came and started scolding me for not leaving time for more patients because she also wants to. I travel tens of kilometers to give to those in need and she stands and gets angry because she didn't receive. This is ego I don't want to act out of ego. I don't want to be angry. I don't want to be angry Me? Part of me is offended, feels unappreciated and another part of me reminds me that I am clean, that I come from giving and that I bring love and not anger."

I ask them if their endless giving is also found in their social, marital, family life, and they laugh. Sima who joined the conversation claims that with friendship it is different, because there is mutual giving. "Sometimes there are people who take advantage of my willingness to help in a timely manner, but she doesn't stay a friend for long. There was a friend who talked to me on the phone for two hours every day, told me about everything she was going through and never stopped complaining about how difficult it was for her. I took her through a process, I supported her, I was in my place with her, I didn't charge her for the process and the treatments, because it was important to me that she wouldn't be in distress. In addition to listening, I also gave her tools to cope, and slowly she recovered.

One day she just disappeared. I sent a message to ask how she was and she replied after a while that she was busy now and that she would talk to me when she was free. She came back to me after two weeks, said that she was busy organizing an event in honor of her husband's birthday, many friends came and she was busy. It hit me, it was a real slap in the face. When she's bad I'm her best friend, and when she feels better I'm no longer her friend? I know I was totally into giving. I realized that I have a lesson to understand here, and the lesson is to mark limits to my giving.

I realized that the energy of the universe has pushed me away to let it deal with me alone, because I don't know when to let go. When I learned the lesson of boundaries came the lesson of friendship. What is a good friend, when is it really a friend and when is it a woman whom I am happy to help but she is not my friend, then I can give and when the need is not met I can invite to the clinic, schedule an arranged appointment for a fee. I understand today that not everyone who is in need and I help them, immediately becomes a friend, even if in my feeling I acted from a place of friendship."

Love to receive and know how to thank

It's getting complicated, I tell them. There is something about the energy of those who love to give, that they are always enveloped by others who love to receive. "Right," she says Noa, as if I touched a hot spot in her. "All my life I have been surrounded by people who need something from me, and when I need something, there are a few lonely ones that I know I can count on to be there for me. I had a friend who went through a difficult life. She told me about her first husband, about the violence she experienced in her marriage, and I listened to her, I supported her And I encouraged her to free herself from her fears and open a new page.

Then she met her second husband, and it didn't work out there either because according to her he was a very weak man and she constantly had to tell him what to do, until she got tired of it. All this time she made sure to get to the places I was and catch conversations with me, like a tent where she pours her heart out and I strengthen her. After her second divorce, she did retraining and began to grow in her new field.

Every now and then she would catch me and complain about the ex's relationship with their shared girl, about her not having a relationship while he had already found a girlfriend for him, and the behavior was constant - she complains and I strengthen her, encouraging her to trust herself and her positive energy and work for growth Hers and the restoration of the belief that there is someone who knew how to love her, and she has to keep looking until she finds him. One day I had a problem with my son, he wanted the car and I didn't give it, so he got angry, and I was left with a bitter taste from the argument with him.

She just called and started talking about her daughter. I told her that it's not easy for me with my son either. She stopped speaking, exhaled loudly and told me impatiently 'I have no tools to help you with your son, don't tell me at all. Find the answer yourself'. I was shocked. I hung up and didn't answer her again when she called. I actually completely cut off contact with her. Is it extreme? Not really.

She can't be my friend if this is how she reacts to my distress. She was neither listening to me nor generous. She was only busy with herself, and that didn't suit me. There are still with me and around me many who like to receive, but they appreciate and know how to give back."

Sima: There are rules for companies

לSima There is a feeling that only those who need help connect to it. "I remember one friend in particular who always had hardships. I have a clinic, but I didn't take money from her because she is a friend. Two hours on the phone in the morning, two hours in the evening and the day is over. This time I'm poor, come give me a massage, and I'll come, and this time don't ask what He did it to me, and I listen and support, and sometimes it will be what it will be, and I check and pray for her and help her analyze the situation to relax, and all because we are friends, and she says I'm the only friend who does it for her So much. She went on vacation abroad this summer, and I haven't heard from her in a few weeks.

After about a month and a half, suddenly a phone call. What does it sound like? It's so hard for me, she tells me, you have to help me. Since the daughter got married I have no peace. Wait, I ask her, when did the girl get married? Last month, she tells and for a moment sails and describes the splendor and majesty of the happy event. I told her congratulations but I will tell the truth, what goes through my mind is that she is taking advantage of my kindness and didn't even think to invite me to the daughter's celebration. I debated whether to say something or keep quiet, but I didn't hold back and asked her: didn't you think of inviting me?

I am the one who is here for you all year, with endless listening and helpful advice, I am your only friend according to what you said, because only I survive the difficulties you are going through. So now the daughter is getting married and you didn't think to say anything about it? I felt really bad. I realized that I had once again fallen into the same pit of giving and being taken advantage of. She tried to apologize but I felt like I wasn't ready to hear her anymore. In that second I understood. as if clear water had become in me. Not that I need a wedding invitation but either we are friends or you are a client. So I told her that I am not available at the moment, but I would be happy to set up a clinic for her and see how I can help.

I matched my voice with a calm tone, asked when she would like to come, and informed her that I would make friends for her. She kept quiet and said she would think about it. She seems to have realized that she made a bitter mistake. A few months later she called to make an appointment, but I didn't have a time window that suited me.   

"There are rules for companies," she says Sima. "You don't have to find out things from others. You're supposed to tell things. One of the biggest lessons is boundaries. Everyone has a different boundary. I have a hard time with boundaries. I don't know boundaries. That's why I'm disappointed sometimes. My children have not let me down. I've always been there for them and when I got sick they Be with me day and night. When I run out of things to give them, they turn their backs. I have friends who say that the children come because they need something, sometimes it's just that way that everyone is self-interested, that there are really no friendships, that they are not valued.

I don't feel that way. I think people behave as they know. Sometimes it's less pleasant. If all your life you have given and surrounded yourself with free food that you don't appreciate and only want more and complain about everything, then it seems to you that people are exploiters. But if you took care to stay away from the exploiters and find real friends, to create relationships that have reciprocity both at home and in the family, then you enjoy both giving and receiving."

to mark limits for giving

Giving and volunteering are central elements in human society. They are expressed in different forms, such as helping another person, donating money, or investing time and resources in social projects. But alongside the pleasure and meaning that these acts bring, there are moments when the giver may feel a sense of exploitation or lack of appreciation. In a state of generosity there is giving from a place of boundless openness, like a positive flow of energy from the giver to the world. When there is a feeling that this giving is accepted as a matter of course, and there is a feeling that they are not appreciated and try to take and pull more without consideration, you need to mark limits for giving. It happens in social groups, in meetings where they try to share responsibilities and everyone thinks they have a bigger share.

Noa: "At the meetings of the therapists, we used to bring refreshments. At first, everyone relaxed, but over time a competition began. Some made comparisons, each tried to reduce what the other brought and increase his own. She bought and I did it myself. He prepared in five minutes and I worked for hours on the dish At the last meeting we asked them not to bring food because this comparison that seeks to humiliate the other has a point in it giving of ego".

Studies in positive psychology show that giving and volunteering are associated with higher levels of happiness and mental health, but only when there is a match between the giver's expectations and reality. According to the volunteer burnout model, people tend to feel exploited when they invest time and resources beyond their capacity or when they feel that they have no control over the degree of involvement. It has been found that people feel less exploited when there is open communication and relationships based on trust.

Giving and volunteering give a sense of empowerment and strengthening of self-worth. The person identifies himself as "able to help". Cultural or religious norms usually emphasize the importance of helping others and encourage people to donate and volunteer. The volunteering of one inspires others to also go out and do for the weak, the needy, the other. According to the self-reinforcement theory: giving strengthens a positive sense of identity, reduces guilt and regret, and compensates for moral lapses.

Giving is a powerful tool for creating connections and increasing meaning in life, but it is important to balance giving with the personal needs of the giver, to ensure that it remains a positive experience.

How to avoid feeling exploited?

•  Setting clear boundaries: define in advance the scope of giving and its limitations. 
• Conscious choice: make sure that the giving stems from an internal motivation and not from external pressure.
• Self-control: stop and examine whether the giving still contributes to the feeling of personal satisfaction.
• Sharing and clarification: if you feel exploited, it is important to communicate this with the other party openly and respectfully.