To open the hand and the wallet: about the harms of stinginess and the way out of it

Reuven and Sarah They came to me for marriage counseling, as they described it, just before the divorce. He started the conversation and said: "My wife is stingy and it's already hard for me to live with it. She criticizes me for every shekel I spend, no matter what. It's always unnecessary or she could have found it cheaper. We don't go out anywhere, no Going to friends' or family's events because you have to give gifts and the children have learned not to expect help, because it comes with harsh criticism and faces that make them sick. The last argument was about a couch for the living room New, it's a real shame. We don't host because Sarah thinks it's a waste to make a cake or serve coffee. But I can't take this misery anymore."

Sara made a face and lashed out at him, claiming that he was a spendthrift, and if she hadn't set boundaries, they would have had nothing. "He buys the most expensive, without thinking at all. Does it make sense to you to go and spend thousands of shekels on a living room sofa? You can find almost new sofas secondhand for a quarter of the price. Is this an ideology of recycling? No, it's thrift, not a waste of money? He Talking about guests. I need to feed friends - why do I need to meet in a cafe and everyone can get something to eat? It's not a wasteful meeting. It's Reuven, just let him spend. If we lived the way he wanted, we'd live on the street," she concludes.

A 2018 study at Yale University examined the effects of stinginess on interpersonal relationships. It has been found that people who demonstrate excessive stinginess sometimes tend to evoke feelings of distance in those close to them. The study showed that in marital relationships stinginess can lead to a feeling of discomfort in the couple and even provoke difficult struggles on financial grounds, up to the level of severing ties.

Avoidance and fear of lack in the future

Miserliness is a trait that characterizes people who find it difficult to part with their possessions, especially their money, even when it is necessary. It is sometimes associated as a characteristic of personality, and in certain situations is also considered a personality disorder that causes suffering, damage to relationships and personal distress. In the psychological sense, stinginess is seen as behavior that stems from fear of lack, loss of control or fear of insecurity. Stingy people sometimes experience a significant sense of anxiety when faced with actions of spending money or distributing personal resources, even if they have the financial means. This is a thought pattern of "I don't have enough, and I must keep what I have", which provokes a strict and harsh response, regardless of how much there is in reality. In the play "The Miser", Moliere, the French writer and playwright, tells about a man who denied his children relationship and love in order to save money.

Miserliness is a trait associated with fear and characterized by avoiding spending. Fear of giving, fear of not having, fear of spending money, fear of lack. It can be related to the behavior of imitating a stingy parent, to trauma from incidents of hunger or deprivation, and sometimes a feeling and behavior bordering on disorder. The miser will give up his comfort to avoid spending.

Many misers will tell themselves that they are actually calculated thrifts who work to avoid the plight of lack tomorrow, while those around them - friends, spouses or family members feel that the lack of generosity reaches the point of being stingy and causing suffering and frustration, creating a poor quality of life and preventing the satisfaction of basic needs.

Freud (the father of psychology) claimed that stinginess is the result of difficulty weaning ourselves from diapers in childhood, grasping and anal fixation which creates a rigid and stingy personality.

Growing up with a stingy father

spring She says that she grew up with a miserly father and this affected not only her childhood and her world view, but also her choice of partners in the future. "My father only cared about himself. He wasn't stingy about himself, but he always said to us that he didn't have it, and it was a waste of money, and we didn't need it. He also barely gave my mother anything, but somehow she managed to get by. My mother gave until she was empty. She didn't leave it to herself and did everything for us And he ignored her and us children, lived like a king and didn't share anything with anyone until his last day Under his bed. There were also considerable amounts in the banks. Unfortunately my mother was no longer alive to enjoy it.

Father was also stingy in his emotions. I never heard a good word from him, as if he thought that if he flattered, they would come to him with demands, so we only heard criticism and complaints from him. this It affected me on a deep level. First of all, I am financially independent and do not depend on anyone. It took me many years to learn to accept. I knew how to give, not extravagantly, but I have a reasonable degree of generosity, but I never knew how to receive. I always chose partners who, on the one hand, gave me the space to be independent, but on the other hand, resembled my father in that they had no generosity and did not know how to flatter. It is very difficult to live with a miser. I experienced it firsthand. He would criticize me humiliatingly, use harsh words, as if I were a fool who didn't understand anything and only thought about how to spend.

These were years when I asked myself if I was really wrong because I dared to buy something. Since I broke up with him I've been breathing. I understand that I am perfectly fine. That I am allowed to live and use my money as I choose.

In the last few years, I have been working on releasing the anger about my father, about my ex, because it was terrible to live in want and to see through you a man who is supposed to be your help and instead he is aggressive or indifferent, miserly towards everyone and takes only for himself. In recent times I am learning to accept, to ask for help, not just to give. Even from an emotional point of view, today I dare not only to compliment, but to expect that the other party will also be generous and know how to compliment, without fear. It's not simple.

Today I am in contact with a generous person and this is not natural for me. Every moment the thought occurs to me if it is real, if it can be, if he is really giving or if he is just pretending. This is my anxiety because of my father, it has nothing to do with him. I hope he will last and give me the opportunity and the help to grow above the fear."

Studies and psychological factors

Stinginess can be the result of environmental factors, such as childhood experiences of economic deprivation or emotional experiences of instability. For example, those who grew up in an environment with a lot of financial pressure, may develop a behavior pattern of careful guarding of money out of fear of a similar situation in the future. A study published in the Journal of Economic Psychology indicates that people who experienced financial deprivation in childhood tend to develop miserly behaviors. According to several studies, people with low self-esteem or a significant sense of insecurity are more prone to miserly behavior.

Stinginess gives them a sense of control and communicates that they have control over their resources, which reduces anxiety. Miserliness may develop into a disorder called "hoarding disorder", where miserliness manifests itself in excessive hoarding of objects, including those that are not used, out of difficulty in parting with the objects. For the miser himself, the feelings can be complex. On the one hand, a sense of control over his property and what he considers to be a "need to save for the future" gives him a sense of security and stability. On the other hand, a feeling of tension and even guilt can arise when he realizes that stinginess harms the relationships around him or himself.

A 2017 study, published in Nature Neuroscience, examined people's brain activity when making financial decisions. The researchers found that in the brains of people who are identified with miserly tendencies, there is increased activity in the areas responsible for feeling anxious and managing resources. When those same people were asked to consider sharing money or buying products, their brain activity showed increased anxiety.

Another study conducted at Stanford University revealed that people with a tendency to extreme savings also have a tendency to develop patterns of miserliness, which may lead to very low consumption and even damage to the quality of life. The study found that while a certain amount of frugality is healthy, excessive stinginess can cause a person to give up basic things required for their personal well-being.

Envious of generous people

Pigeon She says that her generosity and her desire to contribute and give comes from home. "Mother always said when someone reaches out, you should give it to them and that we will never be in this place. So she donated to all kinds of organizations, and when a beggar approached her on the street, she would buy him something to eat, and that's how we grew up. I also act like that today. My father was generous But he did it in secret. He was active in all sorts of associations, and I am also active in some associations By blood. I believe that generosity is one of the most important qualities in humans, to do for others and not just for yourself. I don't know stingy people," she says with a smile.

Matia On the other hand, she experiences herself as stingy. "I wish I was more generous. Unfortunately I'm not. I envy generous people who live well. If there is a connection between stinginess and financial situation? Surely there is a connection. It's not that I lack something, but if I'm generous there will probably be a lack, then I'm not generous. I don't like to give , don't like to spend money and try to save as much as possible. If I go out to cafes or restaurants, I don't have coffee at home or Shows? No, I listen to shows on TV, but I don't like to go out and spend money, it's nice and enough for me. It's not difficult, I'm used to doing everything myself, I don't ask for help and I don't like to help."

The word stingy describes a person whose hand is clenched, meaning closed. The studies show that stinginess is not just a pattern of behavior but a complex psychological reaction related to fears, insecurity and past experiences of lack. Extreme avarice can harm personal well-being and social relationships, and sometimes a high level of awareness is required to change these behavior patterns. Compared to economic violence, which is a form of abuse that manifests itself in the control and usurpation of another person's economic freedom, avarice involves ignoring the needs of the other.

Six ways to get out of stinginess

To get out of miserly behavior, you must first recognize that it exists in you. The fact that you don't like to spend money, or that you believe that the consumer culture tempts people to buy what they don't need, is one thing, and being stingy is another. It's okay not to spend money on things that don't matter to you, it's okay to live with a budget and spend on what you choose. When does it become stingy? When you start buying cheap things of poor quality just to save money, when you spoil your enjoyment because it costs money, when you feel anxious when there is a financial expense even if it is small, when you refuse to buy a gift for a friend or spouse, when you are constantly worried that there won't be enough even when there is more than enough, or when people around you hint that your behavior is stingy. In these situations you should understand that you have a problem. Stopping stinginess and becoming a slightly more generous person is a process that begins with awareness of changing economic thinking and behavior patterns. It is worth remembering that the change is a gradual process, and it is about new habits that require patience and daily practice until internalized. As in any change process, you should ask for support from the environment, encouragement and empowerment so that you can deal with the challenging moments of the change process.

Here are some steps that will help to move from stinginess to balanced conduct:

1. Understanding the emotional roots of stinginess: Try to identify what your fears are, and ask yourself if they have a real basis. It is important to understand that dealing with money does not have to determine your sense of security, and that it is possible to develop a sense of control without being overly attached to money and possessions.
2. Gradual change in spending habits: Set a goal for yourself to start spending money moderately and gradually - for example, buy something small for yourself or others once a week. Starting such expenses, even if they are small, can help release some of the fear around spending money and begin to feel that control is maintained even when giving funds.
3. Developing a generous mindset: Donate small amounts, invite a friend for coffee or buy a small gift for someone close. These actions do not have to be expensive, but they convey generosity towards those around them and strengthen the feeling of giving and inner wealth.
4.  Developing gratitude: Instead of focusing on what you don't have, try to spend time being grateful for what you have, and enjoy it. This feeling will help to understand that money is only a means and not the end, and will encourage you to release the tight grip on it.
5. Setting balanced financial goals: Set a budget for yourself that is intended both for saving and for various expenses, including those intended for pleasure and giving. Proper financial planning will allow you to manage your money safely and wisely, so that you can enjoy spending without feeling regret or fear.
6. Practice generosity in everyday actions : Non-monetary gestures can help you practice generosity. Generous behavior in actions such as helping others, emotional support or sincere compliments develops a generous character, which over time also facilitates the opening of the hand in financial aspects.