The women of the reservists: about the never-ending difficulty, the exhaustion, the anxiety of abandonment and the worry

They said heroines, they said well done, they said this burden is too heavy to bear. And after saying all this, they are left alone. The wives of the reservists. Their owners went to the reserve on October 10 last year, returned after a few months, sometimes after six months, were at home for a short time and returned to the units and the line of fire. The women left behind quietly bear the burden of a house, children, payments, and everything that is involved in holding alone what up until now two have held together. It seems to them that it is not fair to complain, because their suffering cannot be compared to the high prices that the war exacts and the stress and the tough daily life that their husbands go through and the challenges that they face. And we all bless that they return in peace, healthy in body and soul.

Yes, there are men who stay behind to maintain a home and family alone, but this article is about the women and they talk about their endless worry, difficulty, fears, talk about the anxiety of abandonment that arises in the children, about the regressions the children experience when they return to wet the bed, talk about helplessness and lack the bedroom, as well as on baskets of laundry that are never to be washed, hung or folded. They emphasize that they do everything possible to continue to function and maintain a routine, but it is almost impossible. They talk about the "unpleasantness" of asking for help, about the grandmothers who get tired, about the uncertainty that keeps them from sleeping and about the hope that the war will end, the husband will return and it will be possible to relax.

Surviving alone with a lot of difficulty

Glory She is a mother of three. A son who is almost 8 years old, and two daughters aged 4 and a year and a half. "I'm not a hero," she says, "I'm a survivor. I'm in 'Firefighting.' At night, the little one wakes up crying every few hours, and I can't even go to the shower without him sitting by the door and making sure I don't disappear, because he is very attached to his father, and they understand When there is a war, I tell them that their father is doing something important and that he loves them, but it is probably out of place for a father at home.

They hear what's going on around them, war, casualties, and when there are alarms and rocket barrages, they go through difficult processes for their age. It's not something children should experience but that's the way it is.

Before the war, there was a morning routine, for kindergarten or school, there were classes, we went to playgrounds, hosted friends at home and in the evening we sat together as a family. My husband was a life partner. Although he came back from work later than me, he occasionally returned classes, helped with showers in the evening, cleaning the house at the end of the day. His presence is very significant. If I once thought that it was less, I see now how much the work in two creates relief compared to now, when the order has gone wrong and I am alone.

I am trying to survive in my workplace with a lot of absences, I hope they will allow me to stay and not fire me. I can't drive to and from classes, so we don't always go to class, we no longer go out to the public garden because there are alarms and the children don't want to leave the house, and to keep three children busy, each of whom has a different need, to read books, play, and the little one who wants to be on your hands all the time, together With food, showers, laundry, cleaning, it's literally impossible.

Support groups

"What do we do? A lot of Disney on TV, occasionally I take paid help but my ability is more limited during this time, and there are support groups that I use once a week and that gives me some air. The rest of the time I survive. With a lot of difficulty. What do I want to happen? No They will wait for me to ask for help. Dishes, laundry, home, sessions, and I, too, need to sit down with a cup of coffee to let off some steam.

To help parents?
It is not relevant in my case. My mom still works and can't come to me during the day, she comes once a week in the evening and it helps a lot with the layers and putting them to sleep and if she has any energy left, she also helps with the mountains of laundry here. My husband's mother doesn't come to help because she takes care of her daughter's children."

To project a sense of security to the children despite the fear

Beyond the physical burden and the need to deal with issues that they were not all familiar with before, such as maintenance operations when something breaks down, financial matters and payments that were not always part of the responsibilities they bore, or operating devices that until now were the responsibility of the owners, they are now also required to take emotional responsibility for the family. The children, especially the youngest ones, may experience feelings of insecurity or longing when their father is absent for a long period of time.

This requires the mother to be a stable and reassuring anchor for them, to avoid showing the fears they experience in order to convey to the children a sense of security despite the war. This adds to the emotional burden and the women find themselves torn in this game between what they really feel and the knowledge that they must be a source of resilience and positive energy for the children.

Persistent anxiety

The situation becomes even more complex when there are frequent alarms that add to the tension and fear at home. The general feeling of constant anxiety, and every alarm intensifies the fear, not only for the safety of the family but also for the safety of the father who is far away and in real danger.

The woman is required to be alert all the time, prepare the children for what is happening and run with them to the protected space. All this takes place while she herself is overwhelmed with thoughts about what is happening with her husband who is in an even more dangerous place. The combination between the mother's concern for the safety of the children and the concern for the husband who is far away creates a situation of tremendous emotional stress.

This situation requires from the woman an inner strength and mental fortitude that not everyone can imagine. She needs to find within herself the strength to hold the family together, to project a sense of security to her children despite the great fear she herself feels. She also has to deal with the feelings of longing for her husband, and with the difficulty of managing the family alone in a time of external danger.

Born when their father was in the reserves

Odelia Mother of five. Three daughters aged 9-6-4 and a pair of twin boys who were born a few days after their father was drafted into the reserves in October 2023. "It's hard for me. When they ask me how I'm doing, I say that it's terrible. It's not something I would have said before but I'm tired of hiding it. It's hard for me. My husband He left on October 7th, four days after I gave birth, and came back in March, with two days in between to be with the twins. Then he went out again in May, returned for two weeks and was in reserve again until the end of July. He was at home for a while, mostly completing tasks at work, and in between September went to the reserve again and he has not been here for 8 weeks. The people at his workplace love him and he immediately goes to work. He is doing important things for me, but we miss him very much.

Actually I'm alone. He works long hours even on normal days, but he is available, he can come to help in various situations, he takes care of maintenance, payments, helps with anesthesia, organizes the house together with me at the end of the day. Now I'm all alone. He was drafted when there were 3 children and during the reserve the twins were born, and he was hardly with them because most of the time he is in the reserve. He has not yet gotten used to the fact that he has two more babies and they are already a year old.

I'm on survival mode

"How do I manage? I don't always manage. It's unbearable but there's no choice, so I do. Life becomes technical, I'm on survival mode. Get through the hour, the two hours, get through the day, get through the weekend. The girls were used to him It's not unusual for him to be in reserve, but not so much when there's a war and missiles in the background to his unit, and I stayed with 5 children, so I had no time for news and I didn't have the strength to hear any more after October 7. We were at home, and the girls understood it, but now they know that there is Gaza, that there is Hizballah. They know that there are abductees. Every time a motorcycle passes by, she suddenly asked me: "What is this grave?" But I don't know It's here, it's present. You can't hide the war from the children. "One day the eldest daughter hugged me and said: I don't want to lose you like we lost father. I told her - we haven't lost father, he will come back, so she said - but maybe we will.

"The feeling is very difficult, and I'm doing my best to convey that we're fine, let's face it, but it's hard for me too. I'm also afraid. If the girls have a fear of abandonment? It seems so. I can't go anywhere alone. They stick close to me, even with me in the bathroom. The older one, who is not usually afraid, wakes up at night and wants to sleep. When there are loud noises of planes and explosions, the girls are under pressure. Yes, I know that everything is fine, but what does it look like? Does it make sense that children should live under constant fear? Not everything is fine, I can't always put on a show of calmness, so I hug them, and sing to them, and feed the little ones so they go back to sleep, even though on normal days I would get them used to sleep at night. It's complicated. It's unbearably challenging. There are no schedules, and I have to be at work for a few hours. It's not always a problem. They tell me that they need me, but I have no idea if I will be able to make it this week, so I will go to work. I am tired all the time. There are babies, there are alarms, the girls wake up, and from one moment to the next, I don't get to my bed."

Emotional distress and bedwetting

In situations of mental stress, fears, a feeling of insecurity and helplessness, it happens that children return to early patterns of behavior that they have already overcome, such as bedwetting (anoresis). This is one of the common symptoms of regression. The urination usually occurs at night, when the control of urination decreases during sleep. A study done after the September 11 attack in the United States showed that children who experienced trauma related to security incidents showed a sharp increase in bedwetting and other behavioral problems. A similar finding was observed in children who grew up in areas where war events or natural disasters occurred.

In children, the central nervous system is still developing, so stressful situations affect it more significantly. The effects of mental stress cause an inability to control urination during sleep, even in children who are already weaned. Young children often find it difficult to process the complex emotions they experience, so the anxiety manifests itself in the body in the form of loss of control over the sphincters. It is an unconscious expression of insecurity and emotional distress.

When a child experiences regression, it is very important that the parents support him and not add to the stress he is experiencing. It is important to talk to the child, try to understand the sources of his anxiety, and explain to him that bedwetting is a normal phenomenon that can occur in certain situations, and that it is not his fault. Creating a calm and safe environment at home can help a child deal with anxiety. It is important to create a clear routine and reduce exposure to sources of stress, such as news about emergency situations. Encouraging and expressing unconditional love is necessary to improve his self-confidence.

Odelia: "Recently the older daughter and the second daughter started wetting at night. It's not something that happened in the past. They try to hide it but I talk to them about it, explaining to them that it's okay, that it's natural, that we'll try to get up to go to the bathroom at night and fix it. But it adds more Weight on the heavy reality, but it's hard for me to take them each at a different time, and I can't get anywhere at all times I'm completely alone. There are friends, but I can't fall for them. Some of them have a routine, a job, a house, they say to me. Oh, poor thing, it must be hard for you, if you need something, just say," but that's it, they disappear. They have no place to put me in their schedule, and I really need help, but I won't ask them because I understand that they are also busy in their own way. There is a kind of 'grader' The one whose husband is in the reserves but comes on weekends, the one whose husband is in the reserves and you can visit him at the base and those whose husband is in the place and has almost no contact with him. In this there are those who have one child, years and so on, the more the husband is away and there are more children then You are higher on the poverty scale. It sounds funny and weird but that's how it is. So I'm at the top. They all whine but they tell me, how can I whine with you when you are much poorer than me.  

Those who do not have small children may find it difficult to understand the burden of driving, taking care of, doing, being, supporting. It fills the day when there are two of us, so it certainly fills and loads when you are a woman alone. Odelia: "Recently the older daughter and the second daughter started wetting themselves at night. It's not something that happened in the past. They try to hide it but I talk to them about it, explaining to them that it's okay, that it's natural, that we'll try to get up to go to the bathroom at night and fix it. But it adds more Weight on the heavy reality, but it's hard for me to take them each at a different time, and I can't get anywhere at all times I'm completely alone. There are friends, but I can't fall for them. Some of them have a routine, a job, a house, they say to me. Oh, poor thing, it must be hard for you, if you need something, just say," but that's it, they disappear. They have no place to put me in their schedule, and I really need help, but I won't ask them because I understand that they are also busy in their own way. There is a kind of 'grader' The one whose husband is in the reserves but comes on weekends, the one whose husband is in the reserves and you can visit him at the base and those whose husband is in the place and has almost no contact with him. In this there are those who have one child, years and so on, the more the husband is away and there are more children then You are higher on the poverty scale. It sounds funny and weird but that's how it is. So I'm at the top. They all whine but they tell me, how can I whine with you when you are much poorer than me. Those who do not have small children may find it difficult to understand the burden of driving, caring, doing, being, supporting. It fills the day when there are two of us, so it certainly fills and loads when you are a woman alone.

It's hard to explain the crazy rush

Not everyone has patience for small children. They make noise, shout and cry, which is natural and normal, but it takes strength, and I don't want someone here who is angry and yells at my children because they are making noise. So it is not easy to find real help. I would like those who really want to help to say: I am free on these days at these hours, and I am ready to come help you with the dishes, laundry, showers. It will be real. come on People sometimes send me food, pasta and schnitzel. That's great and thank you very much but it's not what makes it easier for me. It's really hard for me to explain the crazy rush. I need someone to come every once in a while for an hour. throw away the bin wash. tools fold laundry. I pay girls to help me but there is not always someone available who is fine with the children. parents? I am very grateful for everything they help, but they can't always do it either. It's a lot of little details. Empty washing machine. There is a lot of laundry with small children. Clothes, bedding, towels. So I put it in the machine. You have to empty, hang, take down, fold. It's a lot of things. The house stinks. You have to clean because there are children, it vomits, it spills on him, it scatters crumbs, it's constantly cleaning. And tools, mountains of tools. And we haven't even started with reading, telling a story, listening, playing, and showers for everyone, and washing and combing, it's a lot of things and what I remember right now is on the edge of my fork, because there are a lot more details in raising children. So I need a lot of help on a daily basis and certainly now that my husband is not here. Now the mortgage payments, water, electricity, property taxes have been added, and everything takes time. In addition, I am constantly worried and longing very deeply and it wears me down. I live in a mess, I know. At night I organize if I have any energy left. They ask me how I can help and I say, come on, do one small thing and it will make it easier for me. Take the twins for a walk outside so I can free up the girls. Come hang laundry with me, or wash dishes, something. They tell me yes, but they don't come. So I have no choice. Some I do and some I don't, I'm not superwoman. Yes, when the children grow up, there will be a clean house and everything will be orderly and calm. Now it's a big mess and it's the best I can do under these conditions."

Ask for help clearly

We are still in chaos. There is still a war. There is no organized agenda. When you meet people who are going through similar things, you can talk about what's on your heart. Not everyone understands what small children, war, husband in the reserves are. They tell me - find yourself a quiet corner, meditate, start a hobby that will calm you down. come on It's 5 children. Even when there were only 3 little ones, there was no small corner. If I have five minutes to spare I will not sit down to draw a mandala. I'll treat the girl for lice, I'll clean the floor so the little ones don't put any dirt in there, maybe I'll even be able to get into the bathroom and close the door. So if you are like me, feeling that your difficulty is not understood and that you are alone, I recommend that you look for groups and communities of women in a similar situation to share and hear and normalize and feel better. In addition, I recommend not expecting, hoping or thinking that the environment will ask or know what to do, but simply say very directly, without 'unpleasant', what will help. For example: "This month it will be very helpful for me not to drive to class if it's okay for you to take it on yourself", "Can you help drop off the child from kindergarten to the afternoon of the big one to make it easier for me to get around?" They want to help, and when the request is very specific, they don't have to guess and feel good about themselves that they really helped, and then everyone benefits."

It is important to add: it is not easy to return from the war

And a few more words that are important to say: the return of the spouse from the service is a happy moment, but accompanied by challenges. The experiences he went through while in the reserves need time to sink in, and the partner often needs space to adapt to home life and the rhythm of family life. It requires being patient and understanding that he is also facing difficulty, and along with the joy that he is back, emotional flexibility is required to allow re-acclimatization. Dealing with the absence of the spouse from home for an extended period, often without daily physical support, is not an easy experience, but it forces the women to face the overall responsibility for the home, the children, and their personal lives, all while they themselves manage a career or other pursuits. After a time when the husband was absent from home and the women found ways to meet the challenges, it is sometimes difficult to let go, to give back authority to the husband and to trust that he will do things the right way.