on betrayals in a relationship • to satisfy needs or to look for love

The topic that arises more recently in my clinic is betrayals in long-term relationships. Suspicion that the spouse is having an affair on the verge of marriage, a reawakening of old anger over an alleged betrayal in the past, and an understanding that something in the relationship does not satisfy one or both of the parties' full needs, even though there is a supportive family and shared history. I invited people to share their marital experience, and this time from the side of the cheaters. Much has been said about the heartbreak of the betrayed, about the experience of distrust, loss of stable ground, frustration and depression. But what really happens with the traitors? What makes them cheat and does the one who brings flowers on Friday really love more than the one who doesn't? I thought that if we understood the motives for cheating in a relationship, it would be easier for us to build relationships without cheating.

I went out to check. Studies indicate that the prevalence of infidelity varies from country to country and from culture to culture. In the western countries the rate of cheating that is discovered is around 20%-30%.

It brings the color back to my cheeks

לRona have a good friend "There is no contact, but there is mental closeness," she says. Rona has been married for 10 years, mother of two, has a degree in business administration and works as a senior secretary in a large company. She came to me for advice on how to proceed, whether to release the friendly relationship or continue it. Her husband does not know about her special relationship, and she does not share it "Life is quite technical with my husband. Home, children, work, there is no spiritual side, no expressions of emotion or spontaneous recreation. Everything is planned, like a well-oiled machine. I can't tell him that there is A friend who brings back color to my cheeks, because he won't understand what a friend is. To me, it's not betrayal because I don't neglect my husband or you The house, but my husband might think that if I feel close to him, he excites me and I enjoy talking to him, there is something that brings me back to being a girl To give her up. It's a slip from reality, but it gives me moments of happiness. If it's more precious to me, it's not pleasant to say, but my husband is no longer interested in him, either What I have to say, he responds with care, while my husband has not responded for years, and the relationship has become self-evident without excitement."

Research done by to. Robert and M. Goliath On the topic of the role of personality and relationship satisfaction in relation to infidelity, he found that people with certain personality traits, such as narcissism or emotional immaturity, may be more prone to cheating. In addition, dissatisfaction with the current relationship is a definite factor in cheating.

put the necessities on the table

As a personal and couple counselor, I have to navigate between the poles and bring the couple or person to an understanding of the choices he or she makes, encourage clarity of motives, old accounts, imitation of relationships seen in childhood or consequences and corrections, as well as observing the changes and prices of each choice. From there, the path to improvement opens, the discovery of needs, the awakening of the ability to satisfy the other and create happiness in the system.

There are those who choose to try to refresh, to open up to a conversation and dare to put on the table the emotions, feelings, needs and fantasies, the need to refresh the relationship. Others would prefer to continue operating in secret, not to repair but to preserve relationships without transparency but with comfort, while at the same time finding the adventurousness and spontaneity in secret extramarital affairs. Fewer but there are those who choose to discover new worlds and open their marriage to friends and open friendships that will diversify the marital experience. In situations where there is no desire or ability to create change, many would prefer to break up the relationship and hope for a new relationship that will be better for them.

The goal in couples therapy is to create happy relationships, while clarifying the values ​​that govern the parties and the abilities of each partner to give and be aware of what is really happening within the relationship. There is an understanding that a relationship of many years cannot always achieve the kind of renewal and refreshment that a new relationship can give, such as the understanding that a new relationship lacks the depth and inclusion that a long-term relationship has.

Dr. David Bass, an expert in evolutionary psychology, studied the causes of cheating from an evolutionary perspective. He discovered that betrayals may be interpreted as a sexual or emotional investment at the same time as an aspiration for a genetic or emotional upgrade of a partner. His research indicates that humans tend to seek out cheating in order to increase reproductive opportunities and gain evolutionary advantages.

Sounds strange, but the research results claim that there is a natural tendency to reproduce and cheating is one of the ways to do it.

I came to help and it went from there

לYishai There is a friend he met while working. "She needed help with something, I came to help her and it went from there. We eat lunch together when I have a break at work and talk on the phone quite a lot. All in all, I quite like her," he says. Yishai has been married for 23 years, father of three, field worker for the company and travels a lot as part of his position. If it's cheating? Probably so, because my wife doesn't know. If she knows? She will go crazy. And I'd rather you not know and that I can continue meeting with the friend. it's nice If I hit home when I meet her? Absolutely not. I come back calm, smiling, on the contrary, I am a better husband thanks to her."

Yishai came to me to get approval for the life he chose. He feels that he has no one to share his happy experience with, and is afraid that if he tells anyone it might end up hurting his wife and his marriage. He has no interest in getting a divorce, he is happy with his married life but claims that his wife is tired, lacks passion and is not interested in hearing about his day. He, for his part, claims that he is trying to woo, brings flowers, says sweet words, but she dismisses it with a wave of her hand and asks for her peace. For several years they have been sleeping in separate rooms, and there is almost no contact between them.

"Why do I stay married? Why break up a family. She is dear to me, I care about her. I wish she would wake up and want to go back to sleep together, travel to have fun. She doesn't want to. But she is a good mother, and we found our compromise. We don't need a divorce. We need to get along "We got along. I don't think it's reasonable to eat outside."

Research done by Frank Chipman and Scott Stanley, examined infidelity in romantic relationships and discovered that infidelities are often caused by a lack of emotional or sexual satisfaction, and that they have a significant impact on the quality of the marital relationship and the well-being of the individual. The research also revealed that when cheating occurs, the chance of staying together depends on factors such as the nature of the cheating, the ability to deal with the situation, and the level of open conversations between the couple. They estimated that about 30%-40% of couples manage to maintain the relationship and rebuild a relationship after the betrayal, provided that there is a desire on both sides to use couple's therapy and make significant changes.

As if I asked for it to be revealed in order to be freed

 Isaac and Dina Divorced after 43 years of marriage. The official reason was infidelity, but when you examine what led to the infidelity, you discover mutual disregard, lack of shared interest, anger and inappropriate statements, sexual coldness, and more, which could push each of the parties to seek a source of empowerment and appreciation outside the marriage, and emotional distancing within the marriage. Why didn't they talk about it? Why was it not taken care of? According to them, they were unable to talk, every conversation turned into a fight and accusations. In fact, none of the parties took responsibility and did not choose to start an allotment of improvements. When they woke up and realized that the relationship was about to be destroyed it was too late, and it turned out that there was someone else in the picture, someone who made Dina feel valuable, loved and significant. When Dina's correspondence with the new lover came to light, she did not deny it.

"It's like I asked for it to be revealed so I could be free from the marriage that was robbing me of my energy. My husband made me feel incapable, unworthy. Everything I did drew criticism and when I dared to say something he said I was imagining things and he didn't do anything wrong. He belittled me, no Appreciated everything I gave at home and in the family. I really suffered in my marriage and I didn't think about getting a divorce even though I wasn't dependent on him, and I just didn't think about divorce as an option. That I am able to do things and that I should not be afraid of life but live it.

Suddenly I took myself in hand, changed my diet, started to do some walking, I saw myself again. When the correspondence was discovered, I said yes. Yes it's true, I have a lover, yes it's true it's my survival because without him I would have completely disappeared into food and depression. If I'm okay with it after the fact? Yes very much, today I understand that my marriage failed long before we divorced. It just took me more than ten years to understand it."

Shortly after the divorce, Yitzchak, who, like Dina, also felt that he was a victim of a woman who did not know how to appreciate him, found himself a new relationship. "I met a nice, charming and generous woman. She really takes care of me. She takes care of everything, she cares what happens to me, and I'm happy. If I also take care of her? There's no need, she does everything wonderfully herself.

I think that actually by receiving what she so loves to give, I give her meaning. That's my understanding. If I didn't learn from my marriage that you should also give and not only receive? There is more than one way to be happy. It is not vain in giving. And I give in, I listen to her, we go out sometimes and I pay for the outings, I'm not a person who expresses too many feelings and she doesn't care, she's happy that I'm with her and it makes me feel good. If I thank her? Certainly. I don't always say thank you but inside I am grateful for everything she does," he says. 

Staying together is work

These couples are just a drop in the sea of ​​relationships that oscillate after many years together, between monogamy and polygamy, between joint growth and personal growth of each party, between playing together and playing next to each other, each in their own game. Couples who still have a spark of love but the passion is gone, who have sweet memories and an unclear present.

The question of how to preserve the relationship after many years together has many answers and each couple has the right way to preserve the love and the relationship so that both parties experience a sufficient amount of happiness. Sometimes it's a matter of improving communication, listening, consideration, respect for the feelings of each party, sometimes it's gestures and generosity that can improve relationships, gifts, doing things for the other, material investment in the relationship, and at other times it's right to open the relationship to friends and friendship from the outside, to bring New energy that will challenge and refresh the desire to invest.

Do we have to continue at all costs? There will be those who will say that marriage is all about fire and water and others believe that it is right to 'retire' from relationships as well, under agreed conditions. In any case, all parties agree that staying together and being happy together is work that requires daily awareness.

Dr. Goodman, a psychologist specializing in couples therapy, studied the effects of infidelity on the well-being of couples. It was found that the betrayal can lead to long-term damages such as a decrease in trust and the sense of security, but in some cases, when the betrayal is resolved through treatment and conversation, the relationship can improve and experience rehabilitation. According to him, among couples who face infidelity, between 50% and 60% manage to restore the relationship and maintain the relationship after the betrayal, if they seek professional help and do the work required in the restoration process.

A relationship like that of grandparents

Those who have or had grandparents who lived together often remember this as an ideal relationship. There everyone knew their place and fulfilled their assigned role, and when the grandchildren were present they functioned as an exemplary couple, an example of a perfect relationship. When parents are asked about their childhood home, the picture is sometimes much less ideal and more harsh. Apparently there is something in this phase of becoming a grandparent that allows me to soften.

I remember my grandfather holding my grandmother's bag when they walked down the street together. Grandma used to say that he was very smart, that he knew a lot, and Grandpa said that she was the most beautiful woman in the north. Both were career people, in the days when few women worked outside the home, but there were no dramas. At least that's what we as granddaughters remember. What really happened? no one knows Maybe they fought, maybe they were jealous, maybe they grazed in foreign fields from time to time, we will never know.

They were together and passed away happily leaving behind love letters that they used to write in the days when they worked far from each other. Over the years, they never seem to have been bored together, and everything was conducted out of mutual respect and gratitude. After Grandma passed away, Grandpa was ready to swear that she kept coming to visit him and make sure he was okay, that he didn't forget to turn off the boiler and the gas as if she cared for him even after her death.

Tzipi who has been married for over 30 years to Eli, says that there is no such thing as boring if there is love: "If the partner flows and loves life, and both partners agree to continue, then the matter arises every time. There are always arguments and there are fights, situations where everyone wants space, Be with yourself a bit. You can also agree to sleep in the room because of snoring or convenience, but when it's in agreement with a partner who loves you, he will agree to take steps to make you comfortable, and of course you will consider and invest in what makes him good. It's a matter of reciprocity."

On the other hand, there are those who claim that a long-term relationship turns life into a comfort zone where the processes repeat themselves. to me:  "Living with the same person for many years is monotonous boredom and no surprises. Tuesday couscous and Friday fish. At first it's nice and gives a sense of security and stability, feels like a warm home, but if something like a shared hobby or a challenge isn't added there it becomes routine and lacking Nice. Boring and alienating."

A study of Dr. Pamela Reagan On the subject of gender differences in infidelity, he found that there is a difference in the context of infidelity between men and women. According to the study, women tend to cheat more when they have a lack of emotional connection, while men tend to cheat more when there is a lack of sexual satisfaction. Is polyamory the antidote to infidelity that suits everyone? Probably not.

Dr. Ryan Smith Conducted a study dealing with the dynamism of polyamory and its effect on the couple. It was found that couples in polyamory report many benefits, including strengthening emotional bonds, flexibility in the relationship, and increasing the sense of belonging and acceptance. However, it is also evident that there are challenges such as managing jealousy and a sense of social abnormality. It seems that not everyone who cheats is ready for his or her partner to also lead a relationship equivalent to a relationship.

I shouldn't have married him

the story of Julia: "We met when he was enlisted and I was a student in high school. First boyfriend, and after 3 years when I finished XNUMXth grade we got married. The parents supported it, it was like a natural process that you don't have to think too much about. dating and getting married Seemingly it should have been together forever. In the first years, the time was spent taking care of the children, I continued to study and he pursued a career, each in a different direction. Over time he started to have hobbies and he made leisure culture the main thing that filled his life after work. It was so busy with various volunteering that in the summer we couldn't go on family or couple vacations.

What will happen is that I raised the girls alone, I went out alone with friends, I developed in my own directions and there is nothing left in common between us, except property and childhood. how did it feel Desolation and emptiness. We actually became roommates.

"If you thought that maybe he has someone who keeps him away from me? No. He cheated once years ago and I caught him and that's where it ended. He just got addicted to volunteering. I felt very alone. I suggested that we go to therapy, to talk, to work on the relationship, but he didn't agree. Over the years I met a different friend who accompanied me for a period of time and this is what helped me survive the loneliness and the feeling of emotional neglect in the marriage. I told him, and I don't think I should have told him because it didn't help me at all. He didn't bother me anymore and I just went into depression . How did I get out of it? I met someone who was really there for me.

Someone who was an anchor, who told me that it was not a business to stay in a relationship where I was experiencing emotional alienation and that I deserved more. He contained me and supported my divorce process and basically saved me. What do I understand today that I didn't understand then? That I shouldn't have married him, that I should have demanded from the beginning that he invest in me and in the relationship the way he knows how to invest in his new partner today, after realizing that this is actually what destroyed our marriage.

In those days, life managed me more than I managed life. He wanted to be the center of life, did not help with anything at home and did not initiate anything. We lived in abundance, he earned well and I worked and earned but not as much as him. I was satisfied with the material. I compensated myself all the time by shopping, in restaurants, by overeating, and today I understand that it just didn't fit. We are on good terms, but I can't think of him as a partner. He has a new wife who likes to cook and clean, takes care of him, and that's what he needs, someone who will be the center of her world.

I wanted an equal relationship and sharing. It probably didn't suit him. But he invests in her spending time, traveling, vacations, and they are happy. It took me a little longer because after the divorce I wanted to find my place in the world and cut off the connections I had. I had to figure things out with myself until I straightened out, I found Yulia. She got lost and I found her. I am much more balanced, less in need of compensation, I have everything I need. I have my own apartment, I'm busy with my own affairs, and I got back in touch with the guy who supported me all along.

A few words in conclusion

The reasons for cheating are many and varied, including thrill seeking, lack of sexual or emotional satisfaction, seeking a deeper connection, or relationship problems. Sometimes, betrayal stems from frustration or personal crises.

Betrayals can lead to dramatic results, including the splitting of the relationship or its restoration. It can be seen that infidelity can lead to the collapse of the marriage or improve the relationship if both parties manage to deal with the problems in a healthy way.

Rehabilitation after betrayal requires a lot of work and cooperation between the spouses. This process can include couples therapy, open honesty, and a commitment to change the behaviors that damaged the relationship.

Studies often show differences between men and women in cheating contexts. For example, men may cheat more for sexual reasons, while women may cheat more in search of an emotional connection.

Culture and social environment play a major role in understanding cheating. In some cultural environments, infidelity may be less dramatic if it is committed by a man than by a woman, and its impact on the individual may vary according to social norms.

The issue is complex and dynamic, and it is important to understand that there is no one right answer or universal solution, but the personal circumstances of each relationship must be considered.

Different surveys done in the USA indicate that about 30% of couples who are in a relationship after infidelity manage to stay together and maintain the relationship, especially when they seek professional help and understand the needs and expectations of each party.

The general conclusions indicate that when the couple manage to deal with infidelity in a constructive way and receive professional support, their chances of maintaining the relationship are high. However, the process requires hard work, honesty and the ability to deal with complex emotions.