Happiness: valuing yourself - the key to a happy and fulfilling life

Shirley scheduled a workshop meeting with me to work on empowering and strengthening her self-image. In the form I sent her, she wrote that she is 47 years old, divorced, the mother of a grown-up daughter who is studying abroad, lives in Haifa and works as a department manager in a successful company. When asked why she wanted to participate in the workshop, she answered that she wanted to close circles that weaken her, ones that she has been carrying around since childhood.

When she entered, it seemed as if the world was in the palm of her hand. Her posture was upright, her gaze confident, a small smile of self-presentation plastered on her face and a well-kept hand sent to give a brave squeeze of "Very nice, Shirley".

 A deep look at her energy showed that she is excited, a little tense, and it seems that it takes a lot of courage for her to open her heart and start a process. "In order to achieve results, you have to do work", you will later explain to me the place from which you got the courage to come to the meeting.

feel like an unnecessary girl

"When I was really little, I thought I was the best girl in the world," she began to tell. "I remember that my mother used to dress me in dresses and we would dance together and laugh endlessly. Then my mother got married, and she no longer had time to dance with me. Her husband did not like me. My mother. From a beloved child, I became transparent. Invisible, unworthy and unwanted."

She wipes a tear and looks angry. "Yes, to this day I still can't forgive her. I'm not only angry, I'm also disappointed in her. The older I get, the less I understand how you can neglect your only daughter like that for a man."

We stop for a moment and do some breathing exercises, practicing self-love.
"When I got to school I was already sure that I was worth nothing. I was scared, I didn't feel like I fit in with all the beautiful and smiling girls in the class. I felt that I was less than them, that I didn't deserve them, and I really didn't know how to connect with them. I was very lonely and all the time I thought only of What should I do to have a friend? I prepared lessons for them, I brought them small gifts that I had prepared, but nothing helped. They were a bunch and I was outside. And it hurt my ability to concentrate, it made me lose the desire to learn, I was sure that I was a zero. Just a zero." She says, and gets up from the chair, goes to the window as if looking into the distance and for a moment it seems that she is there again, in the sad childhood.   

"Where was mother all that time?", I asked.

"I didn't share her," she answered.

"I didn't believe she would help, I didn't feel loved and on the other hand as a child, I probably didn't want to burden her, her life wasn't easy anyway. She worked most of the time, when she got home she did all the household chores, and in the little time she had left she was busy with her husband. There was no There's a place for me."

believe in yourself and get up after falls

Shirley said that they enrolled her in a vocational school in Haifa, to study clerkship, on the grounds that they wanted her to have a profession for the future and be able to stand on her own.

"They didn't ask me what I wanted," she said with a bitter smile. "They wanted me to finish my studies and leave home. And that's what I really did. At the age of 17, I already lived alone in a rented apartment, worked as a clerk in a small office in an inner city and started my independent life. It wasn't easy. More than once I broke down, but I had no choice so I continued on. When I look at it now, I understand that I had to believe in myself at that time, otherwise I wouldn't have lasted."

I ask her what strengths she discovers in herself in this process, and she ponders a little and then says: courage, determination and the ability to get up after falls.

I ask her to close her eyes for a moment and repeat the sentence: I am brave, determined, and I have the ability to get up after falling, and she closes her eyes and repeats the sentence over and over again, and her face becomes brighter and brighter.

When something fails time and time again, when we try the known ways and fail - whether it's passing a job interview, getting accepted to a desirable faculty, creating a blessed relationship or stopping eating sweets, we inform ourselves that we can't do it, that it's not for us.

There are many formulations for this:
It's not in my karma, it's not meant to be, I don't have what it takes, I'm not good enough, I can't, can't anymore, what needs to happen happens, and so on. To complete the picture, there is a mechanism within us that wants to prove to us that we are right.

Usually we will see the justifications outside of us, interpret situations, looks, refer to parts of statements to prove that we are not capable. Unless we think otherwise. When we stop looking for reasons why we didn't succeed and open up to new ways, our ability to be happy expands and the perception of life becomes a journey of discovery.

Afraid he won't want her

"Why now?" I asked, and Shirley burst into tears.

"I want more in my life. Apparently everything is good and I'm grateful for that, but I'm not really strong, I don't really believe that I deserve it. I please everyone, I try to always be the nice, the caring, the enabling one, and lately I also want to myself, want them to do For me too. I want love," she said, looking far and deep.

"The unwanted girl inside me is afraid of being abandoned. Afraid of attachment. Afraid of rejection. I went through several workshops, talked to my inner girl, hugged her, but she keeps showing up and every time I meet someone nice who wants a relationship with me, I feel like I'm failing it on Nonsense. A word he says, something in his look, a movement of the body. I know it's nonsense but I'm scared. I'm back to being the little girl no friend wants to be with, the girl who believes she's worth nothing and the emotion that arises at that moment threatens me, scares me, closes me

I'm sure that if I wasn't afraid, if I believed in myself more, if I had higher self-confidence, I wouldn't have this place in me that says here in a moment he will say he doesn't want me, here in another moment he will know that I'm not really worth it, that I'm not worthy to him".

And in previous relationships? I make it difficult
"I had this with my first husband who kept reminding me that I don't know how to cook, that I'm stupid and don't understand anything, that I'm wasteful and financially irresponsible, even in our intimate moments he complained that I wasn't ready for any fantasy he wanted to bring to bed.

In the end he left me. I didn't have the courage to go. Today I thank him because since he left I discover that I am much less bad than he thought. But I still have work to do and believe in myself more, especially when it comes to relationships," she stressed.

Self-esteem promotes happiness

The negative self-image is flooded in moments when the person feels that he is exposed, or may be exposed to criticism, social or professional judgment. The self-perception as lacking in quality, the insecurity that a person transmits makes it difficult to deal with the outside world, and weakens the courage to express yourself, to take a place in space. It meets a person in all kinds of situations, when he wants to pass an important test or interview, in social relationships, in professional development or even when dealing with a hobby he would like to develop.

In any situation where success does not come immediately, the negative self-image heralds that the person is not worthy and should retire, because he will continue and fail anyway. The negative image does not allow persistence, prevents work on skill development and encourages withdrawal, self-reduction and lowering of expectations.

After all, who wouldn't want to have a slightly more positive self-image than the one he has in the dramatic moments of life, those moments when you should be upright and present even if it's difficult, moments when you fall back into an experience of low self-worth, want to disappear and make the situation disappear. There are those who take a deep breath and try to collect themselves, and when this fails, an outburst of anger is created, it is difficult to maintain an energy of peace, and a simple situation turns into a drama.

Observing ourselves

To reach the positive image, you have to start with observation. Observing ourselves from an expanding place instead of a narrowing one. When we examine new ways of acting, and dare positive thoughts that we did not dare to think before, strength is revealed and the courage is born to stop insisting that the way we have acted so far is the only one for us even though it did not bring results, and to experiment in new and unfamiliar ways.

Research by Albert Bandura examined the role of self-confidence in the process of achieving success. He claims that people with high confidence in their ability to solve problems and achieve goals achieve more success. It turned out that people who thought they could succeed achieved better results even when they didn't know in advance what the task was. They simply believed in their ability to cope, to be contemporary and creative and not to get stuck on patterns of thinking from the past.

Other researchers have established the relationship between positive self-image in boys and choosing a field of professional study for the future, as well as between self-image and positive self-confidence and success in studies.  

Self-esteem and acceptance

Self-esteem and acceptance are key factors in building a happy life and creating a sense of personal and emotional fulfillment. In a world of social pressure for achievements, for a perfect image, many walk around with the feeling that others have a more beautiful picture of life than theirs. Positive self-esteem makes it possible to face and go through a balanced life experience, out of joy in who I am without trying to be someone else.

pretend until it comes true

I met Shirley again, a few weeks after the workshop.

"Still messed up but with a better self-image," she laughs when I ask about life. "You can't erase the scratches from childhood. It doesn't bleed anymore, and it's true that I've learned to believe in myself and dare to bring myself to the front of the stage, but the scars are there, and it floats sometimes, but I remind myself of what I learned in the workshop, that I'm fine, that I'm present, wanted and worthy, And that I am allowed to love.

I observed, I saw that when I don't allow the negative thought to come, when I get rid of it and put positive words in my head, I feel better with everything I do. I'm experimenting with things I didn't dare to touch before, in studies, in relationships with new people," she said as if searching for the definition: "I just feel good about myself."

A positive and balanced self-image

Studies show that people with a positive and balanced self-image are more pleasant to others, less critical and accept the different more easily. They are less preoccupied with themselves and the desire to prove that they are the best, less threatened by the successes of others and less dependent on someone else to show them the way.

Acknowledging the negative thought is the first step to releasing the low image.
Then you should make a list of successes and achievements. From this, find the personal strength points and remind yourself of them in the morning and in the evening, until the negative attitude disappears and in its place an inner place of trust and self-esteem is built, while adopting positive language, using encouraging and empowering words in reference to yourself.

Each person is unique and has special abilities

It is worth remembering that there is no need to conform to the expectations of others or to compete with someone else. Each person is unique and has special abilities. So even if you don't have a perfect self-image or full confidence in your qualities, my recommendation is to act as if you believe in yourself.

As they wrote in the Sanhedrin treatise: not for her sake comes for her sake.

Do as if and it will seep into being and become a reality. When you act like you believe in yourself, you can create opportunities for yourself that you never thought existed for you. Once you give yourself the right to occupy space, to be present, to be seen, to be heard, the energy will begin to move and wonderful things can happen.